


Planted In My Mind

by blinking_post



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, MinYoon is endgame, Mostly POV Third Person Limited, Open-ended ZiNo, Soloist Kang Seungyoon, Unconventional Relationship, brief Seungyoon/OC, more accurately this is my love letter to Kang Seungyoon, non-angst, this is my love letter to Winner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 09:15:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18163322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post
Summary: I am at my happiest when I am Winner’s Kang Seungyoon.





	Planted In My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning: Barely beta-ed and only one quick read through. I actually kind of hate reading my own works, especially when they're long fics.

\----

 

The E string of his guitar reverberates in his studio, followed by the lighter, tinnier and more lonesome G.  He plucks on endlessly, one note after the other, chin hooked over the top of his guitar. He rocks slowly from side to side, half-spinning in his hair.  Lost in thought he keeps pondering which direction to go in next. These days he’s been feeling more and more aimless, lost.

 

He doesn’t regret his life, per se, but lately he often thinks about how different it could have been if he’d been more patient, if he’d taken Yang Hyun Suk up on his offer to train more instead of debuting because YG was right.  But training meant he wasn’t going to be making any money and at that time revenue wasn’t something he could give up. He needed money for his mom. She never asked and she never had to. He decided by himself a long time ago. She sacrificed so much for him and even back then, especially then, seventeen years old, he was determined to make enough money for the both of them so that she never had to sacrifice ever again.

 

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t or won’t look back though.  Yeah, he cringes sometimes but who doesn’t when they see themselves so young and small and inexperienced?  He’s learned from it, from his past self -- what to do, what not to do -- and it all culminates to this version of himself.  He’s better now, more polished with better technique, his voice and sound clearer, less in the back of his throat and more nuanced than just sheer power and force.

 

He pivots back and back, back and forth.  E. G. E. G. E. G.

 

He probably would have debuted in an idol group.  It’s not the music he’s used to doing but it’s not music he hates, doesn’t comprehend how someone can be a musician and hate any genre of music, really.  Everything is an experience for the ear. He’d heard it in a movie once, can’t remember which. _Boundaries between noise and sound are conventions. 1 _  It’s implanted itself in his mind, seeped into his very being, became a part of who he is.   _All boundaries are conventions, waiting to be transcended.  One may transcend any convention if only one can first conceive of doing so. 1 _

 

It had been a moment of clarity.  A truth that had always been there but he hadn’t known.

 

E.  G. E.  G.

 

He sighs, the sound of it heavy, especially in the surrounding silence.  Maybe he would be less lonely now, feel less empty, being with other people, sharing the same space, the same struggle.  Sharing the same journey. How different his world would be, he thinks.

 

Back and forth, back and forth.  No end, beginning lost. Plucking between the same two notes.  He stops suddenly, forcing himself to, heaves a sigh, and tosses his head back.  The backrest digs into his neck, his own fingers digging into his pocket for his phone.  Thumbing through the contacts, one name after the other, endless it feels like. He should probably delete some of them, clean it up because at least half of these numbers are no longer in use by the person they’re saved under.  He stops when he lands on Jinwoo. He hovers, pressing call before he can think too much on it.

 

The connection clicks but it rings for too long.  He doesn’t know why he’s waiting it out, knows by now that he’ll be directed to voicemail.  Paralyzed he waits until the robotic voice of the woman informs him that Jinwoo is unavailable but he can leave a message after the beep.  Another long sigh, disappointed but not unsurprised, and pushes the end call button before the beep.

 

Faster than he can blink Jinwoo calls him back, phone vibrating in his hand.  He answers too quickly, he knows, but it’s too early to regret.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Seungyoon-ah,” Jinwoo says from the other end, bright, happy, a familiar melodic cadence that might not be very powerful but Seungyoon has always thought would sound pleasant in a song.  It’s contagious, lifts Seungyoon up even if just a little, and already he feels better, at ease. This is why he likes Jinwoo so much, he realizes then. “Did you call?”

 

“Hyung, if you’re busy-”

 

A laugh interrupts him.  “If I was busy I wouldn’t have called back.”

 

He peeks at the clock from the corner of his eye -- just past midnight -- and scrunches his nose.  Should he ask? Is it too late? Too much of a hassle? Jinwoo probably has something scheduled for the morning, right?  He gets it out there before he can back down.

 

“Wanna go get dinner?”

 

“Hold on,” he hears, and then only muffled noises, probably from being muffled against Jinwoo’s shirt.  “Yosh, we’re on,” Jinwoo says a moment later. “They don’t need me until later in the day tomorrow so let’s get some drinks too.  I’ll get Seunghoonie to pick you up in… half an hour?”

 

“Okay,” he says, easier now, the corners of his own mouth lifting up.

 

Jinwoo’s grin is so genuine he can feel it even if he can’t see it.  “Your studio?” he confirms.

 

“Hyung,” he says, surprise evident in his tone.  “Are you psychic?”

 

Jinwoo chortles the way Seungyoon always recalls him doing -- a burst of shock and half gasping for air, doe-eyed, like even _he_ is surprised.  After two years experiencing it in person it still unfailingly forces a grin out of him.  To this day he remembers peeking around the corner on set of _We Broke Up_ , curiosity piqued by Jinwoo’s laughter when he visited Dara on set

 

When he’s with Seunghoon and Jinwoo he forgets that these days he tends towards maudlin and lonely.  Seunghoon eats with them even though he already had dinner, but he doesn’t drink, almost never does. He can’t handle his liquor, and the few times he had indulged Seungyoon and Jinwoo in the past are hilariously burned into his memory.

 

Seunghoon doesn’t like the taste.  “And I don’t need it,” he had told Seungyoon once.  “I already have fun without it so I won’t waste my money.”

 

It’s true.  He and Jinwoo need the alcohol to loosen up sometime, to let go and unwind, but Seunghoon is freer with himself.  What you see is what you get, and in his industry it’s refreshing, admirable. Maybe it’s because Seunghoon isn’t in front of the camera anymore but rather on the other side, watching his work being performed by others.  Maybe it’s because he believes he doesn’t have any more fans to disappoint. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for him. He isn’t a celebrity, just an ordinary employee working at a big company.

 

Sometimes he looks at Seunghoon and he aches for him.  Seunghoon is so talented, has only become better since his days on Kpop Star, but at YG he hadn’t fit anywhere, had no group to belong with.  Both him and Jinwoo. So they fell into this: Jinwoo acts and appears as part of the regular cast in variety shows, talk shows, anything he can do, and Seunghoon trains up and coming YG talents and choreographs for the groups lucky enough to debut.  They had told him half pissed to the wind -- I wanted to be a singer -- and promptly forgotten it the next morning, Jinwoo lying almost comatose in Seungyoon’s bathtub, shower running while his clothes are still on, Seunghoon curled around the toilet on his bathroom floor.

 

Some nights he has just enough to feel good, a slight buzz  that makes him feel like he can float. Other nights he goes too far, can’t quite figure out where his line is especially when he drinks with Jinwoo.  Jinwoo may look delicate but he handles his drinks better than any of them and yet after all this time Seungyoon hasn’t learned his lesson.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he moans out guiltily to Jinwoo, to Seunghoon, the two poor souls unfortunate enough to have to drag him home.  His limbs won’t move, refusing to work with all the soju coursing through his veins.

 

“It’s okay,” Seunghoon says to him kindly.  There’s no annoyance. No reproach. He sounds like an older brother merely caring for his younger brother.  It hits him them, right in the chest, chokes him up and makes him want to cry a little. Maybe this is what he’s missing.  Maybe this is what he’s looking for. Maybe he would have had this. Not just once in a while when they’re free but maybe all the time.

 

\----

 

A text comes through, alerts him with a ping in the otherwise silence of his dark, unlit studio, and then another one right after.  He pulls down the notifications looking for a distraction, sighing at the first one (Hye-jin: Let’s get dinner if you’re free?) and slides it away, knowing he’s lying even while he’s telling himself he’ll reply to her in a bit.  The other one is from Jiho. Short and Simple. Succinct. Best way to get an answer out of him.

 

_Where?_

 

One handed, he thumbs back a quick reply.

 

**_Studio._ **

 

 _Why are you always working?_  And then a second later: _Should I come help you?_

 

He mulls the idea over, tosses and turns it in his head, thinks why the hell not.  It’s not like he’s getting anywhere by himself, far from it. He doesn’t even have lyrics down yet, and everything he has written so far sounds like a mess.  Another text follows, from Jiho still.

 

_I have chicken._

 

At the mention of food his stomach growls, contracts, begging to be fed.  He slides his phone open, taps on the call button. The connection clicks when Jiho answers.

 

“Hyung, where are you?”

 

“I’m outside.”

 

“Already?”  He can’t hide the surprise in his voice.

 

“Yep.”

 

Has he become predictable?  Come to think of it, has he _always_ been predictable?  He stands up, stretches out the kinks in his shoulder and his back before he moves towards the door.  Phone pressed to his ear, he says, “I’m coming down now,” as his feet thuds heavily on the stairs.

 

Ripped knees jeans, oversized shirt and unzipped hoodie pulled over his head to hastily hide his identity Jiho greets him with chicken in one hand, phone in the other.

 

“Hyung, you look homeless,” he teases.

 

“Aish,” Jiho says in reply, drawing out the vowels, not taking it to heart because he’s confidence that he looks good.  “You young’uns have no respect these days. No chicken for you.”

 

“Awww, hyung,” he whines cutely, makes sure to pout too, and Jiho crumbles like a cheap paper bag, quietly handing the food over to Seungyoon before they’re even fully inside the building.

 

He digs in, practically rips the bag open in his haste to get to food while Jiho pulls another chair into the studio for himself.  He takes his first bite before he remembers his manners, and peeks through his unstyled, limp bangs at Jiho only to have Jiho stare back, amused.

 

“When was the last time you ate?” he asks, a tad on the hysterical side as he watches Seungyoon tear flesh off bone with his teeth.

 

“Can’t remember,” he says through a mouthful of chicken, Jiho clucking and shaking his head at him.  “Hyung, you’re not eating?”

 

“Nah, ate before I came,” he says.

 

He grins bright at Jiho.  “Ah, you take care of me so well, hyung.”

 

Jiho brushes him off but he can see a dust of pink high on his cheekbones.  Shy as usual, Seungyoon thinks, so it makes it fun to tease Jiho like this. Jiho, aware, puts up a front anyone can see through it.  “Take care of me too then, punk.”

 

Seungyoon smiles at him cheekily, all teeth.  “Okay, hyung! I promise next time we go out I’ll treat you well.  Only the best for our hardest working, most caring, handsomest, coolest hyung.”

 

The pink darkens, and Jiho shoots him a look that says _I know exactly what you’re doing._

 

Seungyoon finishes one, starts another, oil staining his lips glossy.  Jiho fiddles with the computer.

 

“What are you working on?” he asks.

 

“OST.”

 

“Drama?”

 

Seungyoon answers with a nod

 

“You in it?”

 

He nods again through another bite of food.  Jiho hums at him, clicks the mouse for the track to play.  Even from the first few notes his face says everything Seungyoon expected it would.  His stomach coils a little, and he loses his appetite. His hands drop, and he places the chicken back into the box.

 

“That bad huh?” he asks, trying for lighted-hearted and failing miserably.

 

Jiho winces but doesn’t deny it, instead, concerned, he says, “What’s going on?”

 

He sighs, doesn’t say anything at first while trying to gather his thoughts, automatically reaching out for his guitar.  He puts it between them, a protective barrier that will allow him to be comfortable enough to say whatever he needs or wants to say.  His fingers fiddle with the strings.

 

“I don’t know,” he finally says, unable to look at Jiho at all.  “Maybe I’m at a dead end. Everything I’m writing lately sounds so… lame.  Like… dated.”

 

It’s scary, voicing it for the first time, making it real.  He doesn’t want to look up, doesn’t want to see pity or sadness in Jiho’s eyes.  He couldn’t take that from someone he respects so wholeheartedly on top of everything else.  Next thing he knows long fingers wrap around the neck of his guitar and gently it gets tugged away from him.  He looks up, meets Jiho’s eyes, surprised, sees his guitar carefully resting between Jiho’s legs, headstock where his shoulder meets his neck.

 

“So change,” Jiho says to him gently.  “If it’s all sounding the same, something’s gotta change.  You have a nice voice, Seungyoon-ah. You can sing anything and it’d be good.”

 

For the first time since debuting he’s unsure; scared.  “What do I do?” he asks quietly.

 

Jiho shrugs.  “Anything. Everything.  Why not? You’ve got more than enough talent.  I know a guy you can work with. He’s really good.”  Seungyoon catches the hint of a fond smile he’d never seen Jiho give anyone before Jiho leans back, relaxed, placing the guitar atop his lap to strum it, saying over the music, “In the meantime I’ll keep this safe for you.”

 

A beat, Jiho intently watching his fingers forming the D chord.  “It’s been a while since I played a guitar,” he says, mostly to himself, and then to Seungyoon.  “I’ll have someone come for the rest later so you’re not tempted. You figure out what you want to do next, I’ll write you a song for your drama.  I’ll even cut my fee in half.”

 

It’s not much, just the slightest change but it’s something.  And Jiho is right. He can do anything. Why let boundaries and conventions define him?

 

Lighter, maybe happier, genuinely touched, he says, “Hyung, you really do take care of me well.”

 

Jiho grumbles, embarrassed, can’t look at Seungyoon.  “I’m just a sucker for punks like you.”

 

\----

 

When he sneaks into Jiho’s studio he tries to be as quiet as possible.  The door closes with a sharp click, making him wince as an apology forms on his face and writes itself into his grimace.  They’re recording, and Jiho is totally zoned in on that, hard concentration in his eyes, but at Seungyoon’s entrance he breaks, snaps out of it.

 

“Sorry,” he mouths silently.

 

Jiho shrugs off the apology, motions for him to come closer until they’re both watching through the glass of the recording studio.

 

“Song Mino?” he asks, a little thrown for a loop.

 

“Yep.”

 

He knows their history, a little bit of it at least, from what he’d seen on _Show Me the Money 4._ No one had really heard of him but he ended up runner-up. _The winner is Song Mino anyway_ , because he’s Jiho’s close friend.  Almost member of Block B. Failed idol.  Seungyoon’s heard his singles once or twice.   _Body,_ if he’s recalling it correctly.  And _Turn Off the Light_.  With the help of Jiho.  They’re pretty good, actually.  He should download them.

 

“Hyung, you’re giving me your most precious dongsaeng?”

 

There’s cheek in his question, just a bit of jest on his part, to lighten up the mood, but something sad morphs into Jiho’s sharp features, slips into his gaze while he continues watching Mino rap.  He sounds different from when he was on _Show Me the Money_ .  Less rough, less deep.  More range in performance _and_ songs.  He likes this better.

 

“I’d keep him forever if I could,” Jiho admits, the heartbreak written so clearly on his face and in his voice.  It permeates and seeps into Seungyoon, makes him feel guilty, makes him feel like he’s invading something personal.  Jiho has his ups and down too, just like any normal human, and sometimes they talk about it but never like this. Never something like this.  Never so raw and vulnerable.

 

His throat tightens and he doesn’t know what to say.  He doesn’t know if he should joke to break the mood or if he should say something nice, something reassuring like, _I’m sure he’d stay with you forever, hyung_ even if they both know the sentiment itself is naive.

 

He thinks he’s saved when Jiho breaks the tension himself, chuckling as he jokingly punches Seungyoon in the shoulder.  “Aish, you better take care of him you punk,” he says lightheartedly, but there’s a wet sheen to his eyes.

 

“Hyung…” he begins, trails off, still not knowing what he wants to say.

 

“No,” Jiho interjects softly. “It’s okay.  He deserves this. You know, to be seen in his own light.  He’s got so much to give but if he stays with me I’m just gonna be this shadow that towers over everything he does so… I’m letting go.”

 

He reaches out, brow knit together in empathy.  He places a hand on Jiho’s knee, squeezes it for comfort, for reassurance.

 

“He can make his own decisions.”

 

Finally, a genuine smile, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.  “Nah, he’s just like you. Loyal to a fault.”

 

“Uh… hyung...” cuts through the room, unsure but loud and clear through the mic.  It slices the moment and they collect themselves in the blink of an eye before breaking away.  “Everything okay? Song’s been over for a while now.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.  I’m good,” Jiho says after pressing the button to connect the two rooms.  “Come out here. I’ve gotta introduce you to someone.”

 

\----

 

It always feels like it takes an eternity to get home after a long day of shooting.  Fourteen hours straight, and by the time his manager finally arrived to pick him up he’d been ready to crawl into the blankets on his bed and cuddle in with Thor.  He thumbs through his Instagram feed. Landscape, landscape, sunset on the beach, ugh why doesn’t Jinwoo ever take a bad picture, Seunghoon with Haute, and then Mino, a video of him in Seungyoon’s studio, no sound, just grooving to his own beat.

 

There’s a cute little exchange below.

 

_Yah, Song Mino.  Get your ass in bed._

 

 **_Jiho-hyung~~~_ ** **_< 3<3_ ** **_!  Did you get a second job as a pot…?_ **

 

He can’t suppress a grin.  Mino complains to him all the time about how Jiho nags too much.

 

_He huffs at his phone as his fingers flitter across the screen to type a quick reply, and then another one when his phone pings with a follow-up not two seconds later.  He groans, ending the conversation with an uncaring toss as his phone from hand to couch. With a roll of his eyes, arms crossed over his chest, he huffs out, “Jiho-hyung, seriously.”  He drops his voice in poor imitation of Jiho. “‘Mino, remember to eat.’_

 

_‘Mino, are you sleeping enough?’_

 

_‘Where are you?  Why haven’t you been coming home?’_

 

_‘Why won’t you answer your phone?  Call me back.’’’_

 

_“You should at least text him,” he says even when it puts him at the risk of Mino’s ire shifting to him.  It’s the right thing to do._

 

_“Not you too,” Mino whines.  “You’re just like Jiho-hyung.  Nag, nag, nag all day.”_

 

_Mino is annoyed, sure.  Seungyoon hears it in his tone of voice, sees it in the way his whole body is coiled tight and tense and petulant, like a child.  But even while he’s ranting, when it comes to Jiho- no, only if it’s Jiho, Mino softens around the edges. It’s like he can’t help it.  It’s not the typical kind of cute he falls back on either, the cute he gives everyone else. He watches them sometimes, when they’re all together, and he can’t help but feel envious seeing how close they are.  It’s endearing, in it’s own way, how much they care, how it’s embedded into their very being. Sometimes when Mino looks at Jiho it’s something decidedly tender, like even if he won’t or can’t say it out loud just yet he’s thinking in his mind--_

 

His phone buzzes with a notification from Instagram.  Another video from Mino, still soundless, and this one is decidedly different.  A banger. He’s on a roll, it seems. Mino’s is still in his studio writing songs for him, hyped up and feeling it, looking like he's enjoying himself, and Seungyoon just wants to be there writing music with him so badly.  It’s been a month since they started working together, Mino all around the clock, whenever he’s not sleeping or eating, Seungyoon joining whenever he can spare time from his busy schedule. It’s fun, writing with someone else, amping each other up, bouncing ideas off of each other.  They click. They’re so different from each other but they slot together so well it kind of feels like they’re pieces next to each other in a puzzle, fitting perfectly but only together. God, he wants to be there.

 

“Hyung,” he croaks out, voice raw from lack of sleep.  “Take me to my studio, please.” His manager tuts at him, shakes his bed disapprovingly.  “I promise I’ll get some sleep.”

 

They’ve definitely been here before and he always wins.  With a sigh, his manager switches lanes and redirects to his studio.

 

It’s somewhere around three in the morning and the building is empty save for Mino.  Light peeks through the bottom of the door, and the heavy bass reverberates in the wood, a different feel than from the video Mino had posted, and it pumps oxygen into his blood.  He bursts into the room, greets Mino with a _Wassup?_ louder than he probably should at this time of night, closing the door behind him with a bang, and Mino jerks, swiveling to face him with wide, terrified eyes.

 

When he registers that it’s only Seungyoon (“You jerk, honestly!”) he breathes again, whole body slumping forward, head bowed, hand on top of his heart.   _Cute,_ he thinks.  Mino is always cute, overreacting to everything like second nature.  “You scared the hell out of me.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” he laughs out, but they both know there’s no sincerity in his apology at all.  He plops into the chair next to Mino. “Saw your insta post and couldn’t wait. Show me.”

 

Mino lights up, grins at him.  “You ready for this?”

 

“Born ready, baby,” he says in English, purposely trying too hard.  Their eyes lock for a beat, and then they both burst out laughing. They laugh, and they laugh, and they laugh, the lack of sleep fueling both of them.  Every time their eyes connect again they’d start all over.

 

“Okay, okay,” Mino wheezes out through the last of his laughter, wiping at his eyes with his hands.  He takes a deep breath, calms himself, takes care to not actually look at Seungyoon lest they start again.  “Lessgetit!” and he presses play.

 

The song starts right away, high notes imitating the sound of an old phone being dialled, repeats, Mino yawning, trap beat kicking in somewhere around eight seconds.  Between thirty seconds and a minute they start grooving in their chairs, faces scrunched up and frowning, Mino owning those body rolls.

 

He clearly didn’t take himself too seriously when he wrote the song and it shows.  It’s different from anything Seungyoon has heard in a long while, the whoops and the trills playful.  It’s a fun track and he can’t help but be infected by it.

 

When the song comes to its abrupt end they’re both filled with glee and energy, high-fiving each other roughly before breaking the song down and bouncing new ideas off each other.

 

In the end he passes out on the couch, Mino out like a light on the floor, a jacket pooled under him as a makeshift pillow.  He groans, wakes up the fourth time his phone goes off (five minutes past ten), groggily answering to his manager informing him he’s downstairs, ready to take Seungyoon home for a quick shower and a change of clothes before he goes back on set for another day of long filming.

 

He sits there for a minute or two, blinks blearily on repeat, Mino’s mop of blond hair all he can see in his line of sight, before he finds the energy to get up and start another day.

 

\----

 

The curve of her back is as beautiful as he remembers it being; the soft neon glow of Seoul peeking through the break in her curtains bounce off a sliver of her skin, illuminating it.  When he runs his fingers down the curve of her shoulder, down her spine it feels just as soft as before but he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. Maybe it’s been the distance. Or the time.

 

It’s two in the morning and he could stay.  He _should_ stay.  They could get an early breakfast in the cafe around the corner before she goes in to work.  Or he could make her something. That’d make her happy.

 

He keeps tracing over her -- the apple of her cheek, her slightly parted lips, long pretty lashes casting a shadow over her cheek -- and he knows they’re winding down now.  This feeling is too familiar to not recognize by this point in his life. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

Sighing, he slips out of bed, hears her shift behind him to adjust to his absence.  He glances back, makes sure she isn’t waking up before he slips on his underwear, his jeans, the rest of his clothes.  He tugs on his hoodie, throws his cap on before pulling the hoodie over. It’s habit now, hiding himself any time he’s in public.

 

Keys, wallet, phone in pocket, check, he sneaks out, pulling the door shut gently behind him.

 

The ride to his studio isn’t fast enough but at least the taxi driver doesn’t recognize him.  Or he’s kind enough to pretend he doesn’t. He doesn’t know anymore.

 

The building is eerily quiet but the light still shines through under his door.  He twists the knob open, pushes through, and he catches Mino’s tired, glazed eyes from the couch.  He’s facing Seungyoon, knees pulled up, what appears to be a sketchpad sitting on his thighs, pencil in one hand.  His forehead wrinkles cutely in confusion, head cocked to one side.

 

“Thought you weren’t coming tonight.”

 

He shrugs in reply and toes off his shoes.  He climbs over the armrest of the couch, sits opposite Mino with his own knees drawn up.  He rests his chin on said knees, watching intently as Mino returns to his drawing.

 

“Can’t have you doing all the work.”  He gets a smile for that. “What are you doing?”

 

Mino doesn’t break from with his sketchpad, the scratches of pencil on paper continuing.  “Taking a break,” he says as explanation. “I was too close to the songs.”

 

He gets that.  When you’re too close you don’t know what’s good and isn’t good anymore.

 

“I didn’t know you draw.”

 

Mino nods at him.  “Sometimes, yeah.”

 

“You any good?”

 

Seungyoon sees the hint of a crooked smile.  “It’s just a hobby.”

 

“That’s what people say when they’re pretending to be humble.  Come on, show me.”

 

He thrusts out a hand, palm up, expectant.

 

The hint of a crooked smile turns full blown.  Mino meets him halfway.

 

\----

 

Loud cheers erupt from both Jinwoo and Seunghoon while they’re mid-song of their duet when he finally makes it just before midnight.  Wide, loose grins plastered on their faces, drunk glassy eyes, remnants of soju and beer bottles paired with food and cake on the table.

 

“Seungyoon-sshi, Seungyoon-sshi,” Jinwoo teases with formality, handing the mic off to Seunghoon (who now happily sings with both, one in each hand) and stumbles to Seungyoon.

 

Alarmed he takes a step forward, ready to catch Jinwoo if he tumbles down.  Last minute Jinwoo trips a little, and catches himself with a firm grip on Seungyoon’s shoulder, Seungyoon’s own hand at one of his elbows, steadying him.

 

Jinwoo looks happy, ever present twinkle in his eyes, staring up at him and even like this -- disheveled, drunk, unfashionable sweats and a hoodie -- Seungyoon thinks he’s still handsome.

 

“Hyung, happy birthday,” he says, handing off the present he’d brought -- a pair of expensive sunglasses and another gray hoodie because Jinwoo will laugh.

 

“Ah, Seungyoon-sshi, I didn’t think you would come.”

 

“Don’t be like that, hyung.  It’s for your birthday, hyung.  Of course I’d come.”

 

Jinwoo _mmm’_ s at him, teasing lilt in his tone.  “Our cute, little Seungyoonie has been too busy to hang out his hyungs lately.  Have we been replaced by this Song Mino? All I hear from you these days is, ‘Song Mino, Song Mino.’  

 

“‘Song Mino and I are working on my next album.’

 

“‘Song Mino and I already had dinner.’

 

“‘Song Mino said this place is really good.’

 

“‘Song Mino is seriously good, hyung.’

 

“‘I’m not at the studio, hyung, I’m with Song Mino.’

 

“You can’t go two seconds without saying, ‘Song Mino, Song Mino.’”

 

He feels embarrassed, his cheeks heating, eyes flitting to the other people in the room -- friends, managers and staff Jinwoo is close with -- hoping that no one is paying them any attention.  “It’s not like that.”

 

Jinwoo stares up at him with confused, innocent eyes.  “It’s not like what?”

 

At a loss, he gapes for a few seconds, mouth opening to say nothing before closing again, brows furrowing while he tries to figure out what exactly he meant.

 

“Ah, well, don’t forget to introduce him to us.”

 

He takes the out.  “I will, hyung. I will.”

 

Around them the song ends and everyone claps loudly, some whistling, some shouting.  Seunghoon, life of the party, never misses a beat. Familiar chords fill the room and everyone cheers louder.  He says into the mic like the perfect MC, “Here to sing his hit song _Instinctively_ for us, super star Kang. Seung. Yoon!”

 

Jinwoo pushes him towards the front from behind, hands on his shoulders, and he goes without much of a fight.

 

\----

 

Seungyoon doesn’t know if it’s the first time he’s seen it but it’s definitely the first time it’s caught his attention.  He picks it up, should probably have asked before doing so, and turns it over in his hand.

 

“Is this yours?” he asks, turning it on.

 

Mino, with his frizzled hair kept at bay with a thick black headband he’d stolen from Seungyoon, keeps layering their latest track on the computer, isn’t paying him too much attention.

 

“This camera.”

 

Absently, “What about it?”

 

“It’s the first time I’m seeing it.”

 

Mino frowns at the computer, one corner of his mouth dipping down, clicking and moving the mouse to and fro furiously.  Still, at least half his attention is on Seungyoon.

 

“I bring one with me everywhere,” he says.

 

So definitely not the first time he’s seen it.  He’s just been unobservant. Seungyoon flips through the pictures one by one, curious to see how Mino sees the world and how he frames it, what he finds interesting or beautiful.

 

“Everyone our age has something, you know?” he starts off-handedly.  “Jinwoo-hyung has gaming. Seunghoon-hyung has getting as far away from YG and work as possible.  We’re pretty much together twenty-four/seven but even you have something like this. And drawing too.  But me… I have nothing.” He’s mostly talking to himself now, he knows. He doesn’t mind. Maybe Mino not really reacting to him or making a big deal out of what he’s saying makes it easier.

 

“I don’t know anything else,” he continues, confesses.  “I only have music. Without it I don’t know who I am or what I’d be.”

 

The clicking slows, the mouse stops.  Mino turns around and he dreads what Mino will say.  Maybe it will be pity. Maybe it’s some reassuring bullshit.  He doesn’t know, doesn’t want it.

 

“That sucks, man,” Mino says instead and it shocks him, takes him aback.  “You should come with me sometimes. We can take pictures together.”

 

“Maybe,” he says with a nonchalant shrug, and Mino accepts it no questions asked.  He turns again, back facing Seungyoon. He restarts his work and curses in frustration when the track doesn’t mix the way he wants it too.

 

Seungyoon lifts the camera up, looks through the viewfinder and frames Mino within -- black silhouette against the dim yellow glow of the computer screen.  There’s something about the longer click of a film camera that gives him a moment of satisfaction.

 

\----

 

It’s Christmas and maybe if he hadn’t been scheduled by his company to attend an award show he would have gone back home to Busan to spend the day with his mom.  He misses her a lot, more so now than ever. As it is all he could manage was a quick phone call to her between being shuffled from one place to another, rehearsal, performing, sitting politely alone while watching other artists perform and clapping when appropriate so he doesn’t appear rude.  Anything can set the worst of fans off lately. Jiho reminds him constantly to stop searching his own name in Naver, to stop reading the comments section, that the negativity and viciousness doesn’t really amount to anything but hate. He knows that. He _does._  It still hurts though.

 

Award shows season never ceases to remind him of how alone he actually is either.  He’s seated with other people, sure, and everyone’s polite enough. There are at least introductions and small talk, and once in a while if he’s lucky he’ll be seated close to a friend, like Kibum or Jaebum but they too inevitably, subconsciously, return to their group and an invisible wall forms between him and them.  He’s a friend but he isn’t part of them, isn’t a member so he isn’t family.

 

The studio is pitch black when he opens the door, the only light illuminating the room coming from behind him.  He sighs and reaches out, blindly searching for the light switch. It’s Christmas night, he reasons with himself, of course Mino wouldn’t be here.  Probably a girlfriend. There’s his family too and it’s not like he has any obligation to work on Christmas. Of course he’d want to spend time with his family.  He has a younger sister, Seungyoon remembers being told, and they’re close. Mino dotes on her. _Danah._  She’s younger.  By a year.

 

_“She’s your fan.”_

 

_“Is she pretty?” he jokes._

 

_Blood drains from Mino’s face and his eyes turn sharp as knives.  “Don’t even think about it.”_

 

_“Think about what?” he asks innocently._

 

_“No.”  Decisive.  Firm. Rumbling from deep within Mino’s chest, a warning._

 

_“Invite me to dinner.  Moms love me.”_

 

_“Don’t approach her.  Don’t look at her. Don’t say her name.  Kang Seungyoon, don’t you even dare think about her.”_

 

Mino had looked so serious he couldn’t keep a straight face.  He wouldn’t. Never. Mino’s friendship means too much to him for him to jeopardize that.  It’s still fun to tease him though, because Mino’s reactions are cute.

 

He spots it when he turns on his computer, sitting next to the keyboard.  Mino’s camera. There’s a blue bow on top, takes it for what it means -- an unspoken _present for you_ \-- and when he picks it up he sees it underneath.  The picture he’d taken, printed on nice photo paper.  He flips it over, reads Mino’s beautiful scrawl on the back -- _you take pretty pictures_ \-- and smiles.

 

It’s clear past midnight but he knows Mino well enough after almost half a year working together that he won’t be asleep yet, is almost an insomniac.  He takes out his phone and there’s a thought in the back of his mind telling him he should call Hye-jin instead.

 

Mino picks up with a dipped low, “Kang Seungyoon.”

 

“Song Mino,” he echoes, deepening his voice.

 

A chuckle from Mino’s end.  “Wassup?”

 

“Nothing,” he says.  “Wanna hang out?”

 

“Sure,” Mino says, and he can almost see the shrug.  “Studio?”

 

He picks up Mino’s-- no, _his_ camera now, examining it, weight hefty in his hand.  “Let’s drive out of the city.”

 

\----

 

Introducing Mino to Jinwoo and Seunghoon is nerve-wracking.  It’s like bringing his girlfriend home to meet his mom or something.  Not that he’d know from actual experience since he hasn’t brought one home to meet his mom yet but this is how he imagines it would be.

 

It’s important to him that they like Mino.  If they don’t… if they don’t it’d be like a divorce with him in the middle.  Again. Weekends with dad, weekdays with mom or something. Not that he’d know about that either.  If experience means anything one of them will abandon him. Or worse, he might have to choose. And wouldn’t that be the kicker.

 

Logically he knows there’s nothing to worry about.  Like at all. He’s being completely irrational. He knows more than anyone _firsthand_ how kind Jinwoo and Seunghoon are.  They opened up to him so easily and he didn’t even have to do much wheedling, if it all.  They love him so much, like he’s the cute little brother they were looking for all this time.

 

It’s the uncertainty, definitely, that has his mind going into overdrive.  He’s so hung on his own thoughts, so lost in them that he doesn’t notice when Mino stops and he starts walking alone, one foot in front of the other, eyes unseeing, going who knows where.  It’s only when Mino’s deep voice repeatedly calling out his name penetrates that he finally stops, surprised by the alarmed tone of Mino’s voice. He does a quick turn, peers around him, confused but at least not lost.  He’s only maybe a quarter of a block past Jinwoo and Seunghoon’s shared apartment.

 

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly before shuffling back, hands stuck firmly in his pockets still.

 

“You doing alright?” Mino asks, concern written into his brows.

 

“Yeah,” he says brightly, teeth gleaming in a smile that Mino looks at awkwardly but doesn’t say anything.

 

Mino gestures to the building, shivering now that his own hands are out in the cold.  “Okay, well… we’re already late so if you want to talk…”

 

He waves it off.  Now that they’re finally here, better to get it over with, he thinks.  No use in prolonging the inevitable, and he really can’t avoid it anymore.  Jinwoo has hinted more times than he can remember now, and Seunghoon has outright asked when they celebrated his birthday a couple weeks ago.

 

_“Are you hiding him away?” -- Seunghoon, inquisitive, thoughtful._

 

_“Maybe he’s ashamed of us.” -- Jinwoo, teasing._

 

_“Of course not, hyung!” -- him, flabbergasted all the same._

 

It’s his birthday.  Which is why they’re going to Jinwoo and Seunghoon’s for dinner.  To celebrate just the four of them because everyone else had schedules.  Seunghoon is cooking pasta and lobster, and Seungyoon can’t say no when Seunghoon is cooking lobster.

 

Okay, deep breath.  It’ll be okay, he reassures himself.  Everything will be fine. He repeats it like a mantra, psyches himself up.  Another deep breath, a quick release of the air in his lungs, the air misting around his mouth.  He leads the way in, through the lobby and up the elevator, and after he enters the password and pushes the door the lights burst one, and suddenly everyone is clapping in sync and singing loudly to him.

 

Everyone is here.  Jiho, and Jihoon, who is a friend but is probably here more for Mino than for him.  Eunji and Jaebeom, who had lied and said they were scheduled for a show. People from work, the ones he is close to, the ones who make him a star in public.  Hye-jin, who hangs mostly in the back because she doesn’t really know anyone except maybe Jinwoo and Seunghoon. And his mom, holding the cake in the middle of the group.  His _mom._

 

“Mom,” he says a little brusquely.  It seems the older he gets the more he misses her, the more he understands how important she is to him.  He still can’t show that to her properly though, still rough around the edges even when he tries, still awkward.  So he waits for her to come to him. Jinwoo, ever ready, takes the cake from her, and she walks over and hugs him.  He wraps his arms around her and squeezes her tight.

 

He wants to say to her, “I missed you,” but instead says, “Why are you here?”

 

“Seunghoon,” she says, and it’s enough of an answer for him.

 

They all cheer when the song is over, happy at their successful surprise.  He swiftly turns back to Mino amidst all the noise, one arm still draped around his mom.

 

“Did you know?” he asks accusingly.

 

An insolent smile gives him the answer.

 

“You could have said something, you jerk.  You were with me all day!”

 

“Song Mino!” Seunghoon greets from first behind him, and then bypassing Seungyoon to clasp a hand with Mino’s and pull him in for a quick hug.

 

“Wassup, hyung?” Mino asks.

 

 _“‘Hyung?!”_ he asks, incredulous.  Another insolent smile.  These assholes played him.  “When did you two even meet?”

 

“Couple weeks ago,” Mino says with a shrug like he’s not mentally upending Seungyoon.  “Seunghoon-hyung and Jinwoo-hyung wanted to plan your party.” Sheepish now, shy and cute.  “They said not to tell you, and Seunghoon-hyung is definitely scarier than you.”

 

Seunghoon slings an arm across Mino’s shoulder, smiling proudly like father.  “That’s right. You remember that.” He directs his eyes to Seungyoon’s mom. “Seungyoon-eoma,” he begins, and gestures to Mino with one hand, resting it palm against Mino’s chest.  “This is your new son. Son number four.”

 

They laugh, him and his mom, her looking at Seunghoon fondly, Seunghoon and Jinwoo and Mino too, his cheeks reddening, shy and embarrassed but bowing politely to her as he introduces himself.

 

After, he brings his mom around while they’re all eating cake and food, and introduces her, and to Hye-jin, he tells his mom, “This is my friend.”

 

She falters for a moment but recovers quickly enough, giving a smile that that stretches her mouth wide but doesn’t reach her eyes.  He doesn’t know why he doesn’t say, “Mom, this is my girlfriend.” Just… the words wouldn’t come out. It didn’t feel right. Maybe it’s the timing.

 

The gifts, they go one by one, Seunghoon first.  He dances and sings a terrible rendition of Rain’s _The Best Present,_ infusing it with parody.  They all laugh and hoot, can’t help themselves because Seunghoon is funny when he wants to be.  It’s kind of perfect, really, especially since this is the second time he’s given this as a _present,_ and finishes with giving Seungyoon a hug.

 

“Are you just dancing?” he asks.  “Is that all you prepared?”

 

“What do you mean?  What else could be better?  This is the best present!”

 

He falls over himself, bowled over with a happy, wide grin.  “Hyung, you already did this last year!”

 

Seunghoon is undeterred.  He grips Seungyoon’s shoulder, and makes him face everyone. “Tell them it’s not the best present.”

 

A beat, then, “I’m materialistic.”

 

Everyone bursts into another round of laughter.

 

Seunghoon affectionately berates him -- materialism and wealth won’t give you happiness! -- but concedes and finally hands over another present.  Jinwoo gives him more skincare -- you’re always so dry during the winter! Shoes from Jaebeom, a nice (expensive) watch from Jiho and as the gifts are revealed one by one he can see Mino is getting more and more uncomfortable.  After Jiho’s gift he sees Mino hiding something behind his back, Jihoon helping him after Mino asks discreetly. All eyes turn to him and Mino is empty-handed.

 

He tells the room, “Mino had already given him his present earlier,” even though no one officially asked.  Everyone nods and maybe they spot and lie, maybe they don’t, but Mino looks like he’s breathing a little easier, and really that’s all Seungyoon wants.

 

“Actually,” Mino pipes up unexpectedly.  “I prepared something.”

 

He snags the box of matches they used to light the candle on his cake on his way to Seungyoon, stopping once they’re only a few feet apart, facing each other.  He takes out a matchstick, and Jiho gets it before everyone else, cracking up with laughter on his own. He strikes it, and Seunghoon chimes in with, “Oh! Fire!  The best invention of humankind!”

 

Mino, shit-eating grin on his handsome face, hands the match off to Seungyoon and tells him to blow it out.  No, he thinks. No way. This is so ridiculous.

 

Already he feels the huge grin on his face.  He scoffs. “Will he appear if I blow this out?”

 

Mino keeps urging him to turn around and when he does he hears Mino mumbling to Seunghoon and Jinwoo, “Sing the song for me,” before he blows out the match.

 

When he spins around quickly to see Mino holding a plastic knife to his chest, forlorn look on his face, singing, “Beautiful life…” Seunghoon and Jinwoo picking up perfectly from there, continuing with, “I won’t let you leave alone.”

 

His shoulders shake trying to contain his laughter, a childlike glee written clearly on his face that he hopes no one sees.  When Mino steps in closer, he reaches out and yanks the knife out with a grunt and cry, and Mino shouts, “I will become nothing!” before falling to the ground, Seungyoon chasing after him, mimicking fake stabs while standing over his body.  Everyone’s applauding and laughing at their antics, and when Mino gets up off the floor Jinwoo and Seunghoon are both there to congratulate him with high fives.

 

Around ten his mom starts to get tired even though she won’t say it, and slowly everyone trickles out and home even when she protests.  His manager offers to take her to his home and he rejects it at first, thinking he should go home with his mom until she urges him to spend more time with his friends.

 

So he walks down with her, and he hands her one of his key cards.  He hugs her again by the car and when they separate she brushes part of his bangs away from his eyes.  She looks at him, and she seems so proud. It makes him feel like he’s seventeen again.

 

“You’re my son,” she tells him, “You have been my son for twenty-four years and I have loved you every single one of those days.  Nothing you say or do will stop me loving you.”

 

This feels bigger than he can understand.

 

She waits patiently

 

“Hye-jin is my girlfriend.”  It comes awkwardly, forced.

 

His mom remains unchanged.  “Is that so,” she says with a serene smile, and then gets into the van, telling him, “I’ll see you in the morning,” before shutting the door.  As he watches the car drive out he definitely feels that added year in his shoulders, and sags, weighed down.

 

In the lobby he meets Hye-jin, all bundled up and waiting for her taxi.  Guilt roils a little in his stomach. He hadn’t meant to abandon her the whole night.  She didn’t interact much with anyone except the few times with Mino and Jihoon, Jinwoo and Seunghoon, always in the periphery but never fully part of.

 

“You’re leaving too?” he asks.

 

She nods and pulls down her scarf so she can speak without being muffled.  Watching her fills him with a rush of affection, and he can’t help finding her adorable.  Maybe it _can_ work.  Maybe he can make it different this time if he tried.

 

“I’m kind of tired.”

 

“Okay,” he says, and pulls her in, enveloping her with a hug.  She holds on to him and waits for him to pull away.

 

Looking up at him her eyes search for something.  Finally, she asks him, “Did I do something wrong?”

 

He holds in his sigh.  “No,” he says as reassuring as he can.  Her eyes flicker, unsure, but eventually she settles on taking him at his word.  He gives her more, a little because he feels guilty, a lot because he wants to make her feel better.  “I told my mom you’re my girlfriend.”

 

She huffs out the beginning of a laugh that turns into a full blown smile.

 

\----

 

After the soju and the midnight snacks, after Mario Kart and watching Mino being saved by Jinwoo countless times in Overwatch, everyone is either gone or passed out around them, Jiho on the couch, Jihoon with his head on the kitchen table.  That’s… yeah, that’s going to hurt in the morning.

 

Mino is also nodding off, back against the couch, shoulder to shoulder with Seungyoon when Seungyoon remembers.  He nudges Mino’s foot with his.

 

“Hey,” he says softly, voice scratchy.  “I want my present.”

 

Mino looks at him, trying to comprehend his words and when he does he goes into full panic mode.  “I can get you something later,” he offers as a compromise. Seungyoon isn’t having it.

 

“No,” he says, rejecting the offer.  “I want that one.”

 

“Seungyoon, come on I-”

 

“Nope.  That’s the one you originally wanted to give me so that’s the one I want.”

 

Mino frowns, and then gives in because Seungyoon pouts at him.  Mino is soft-hearted. Live performances don’t tell you that. He rummages through his bag, and then hands over a haphazardly wrapped gift, part of the edge ripped from behind manhandled.  He rips it open, finishing the job, and stares at the shirt.

 

It’s an oversized store-bought white tee, inexpensive, cotton, but Mino has drawn all over it, deliberate black lines in permanent marker.  Portraits of him. Portraits of Mino. And Jiho. And Jinwoo and Seunghoon. When they were impulsive and drove out to the beach to catch the sunrise, to photograph it.  Christmas, when they drove out of the city and Mino taught him how to take pictures of the star-filled night sky, teeth chattering because they forgot gloves. And the little things too, silly little moments they shared that he’d forgotten, late nights and the high of not enough sleep, crashing on the couch and on the floor after eating tteokbokki even though Mino had said he wouldn’t have any because he was dieting.

 

He stares in awe.  “I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”

 

Mino shrugs like he doesn’t care, but he’s hanging onto Seungyoon’s every move trying to figure him out.  “It’s okay. I know it’s not as nice as the other gifts.”

 

“Don’t say that.  I love this so much I’m gonna frame it,” he decides.  “Out of everything I got tonight this means the most to me.”

 

Mino beams at him and plants his head in Seungyoon’s lap, making himself comfortable.  Automatically he cards his fingers through Mino’s hair because this is normal for them now.  Mino loves to touch, like he’d been starved of affection too long, and slowly they’re both lulled to sleep, his hand caught up in Mino’s hair.

 

\----

 

It’s… hell, it could be the millionth time he’s recording this part of the song for all fuck he can remember.  He’s sung this part over and over, and each subsequent try isn’t helping anything. _Softer,_ Mino had instructed the nine thousandth try previous.  More air. JYP. _JYP,_ he had emphasized, like that meant a damn thing to Seungyoon.  Seungyoon _isn’t_ in JYP but he’s trying.  He’s _trying_ , goddamnit.   _Song Mino if you say JYP to me one more time--_

 

 _Half air, half sound,_ he repeats to himself internally like it’ll actually help this time around.

 

He feels it coming, and sure enough not a second later the music cuts abruptly.  There’s nothing to say, really, after they’ve wasted so many hours on this song already.  There’s no point in wasting more on a recording they both know they won’t use.

 

Mino takes a deep breath, heard through the intercom.  He’s frustrated too. Tired. “Maybe we don’t do this song.”

 

His aggravation flares for the umpteenth time and he keeps it in check once again.  “I need a break,” he mutters, and then stalks out of his studio, down the stairs, and out into the cold, night air without saying another word to anyone else.  Not to Jinwoo. Not to Seunghoon. Both of whom had joined them for dinner in his studio and ended up staying to watch. And especially not to Mino because it’s all his fault Seungyoon is like this.  Just… damn him. And damn Jiho too because he’s probably the reason Mino is such a perfectionist when it comes his craft. Good enough for everyone else simply isn’t good enough for them. Like “good enough” probably isn’t even in their vocabulary.  It’s all or nothing with them. Typically is with him too.

 

He walks around the block twice, thinks it over, the cold seeping into his fingers even as he blows hot air onto them, and sighs once he’s cleared his head.  Maybe it _is_ best to give up the song if it isn’t working with him.  Especially if it’ll go to someone who’ll do it right. Doing so feels like losing, and he _hates_ losing but what’s the alternative?  Jeopardize the quality of the work he puts out because of his pride?

 

When he trudges back into the studio, finally level-headed and ready to apologize, Mino is screaming jubilantly, victorious with a touch of madness, his hair frayed whichever way, dancing around pumping his fists in the air like he’s solved the global warming crisis.  Seunghoon, on the couch, is looking at Jinwoo, also on the couch, like he couldn’t be any prouder, and for the first time in a long while, Jinwoo actually looks timid.

 

He gawks at the scene, shocked because what?

 

“What?” He echoes out loud.

 

All heads whip to him.

 

“Seungyoon-ah!” Mino practically shouts at him, crazy gleam in his eyes.  “Jinwoo-hyung is a genius! A genius!”

 

“What… happened?  I was gone like ten minutes, tops.”

 

“Come here,” Mino urges motioning for Seungyoon to join him by the computer, his excitement palpable.  “Jinwoo-hyung did it in two takes!”

 

“Two?” he asks, dazed, at the same Jinwoo let out an offended squawk.

 

“Then why did you make me record so many?!”

 

Mino slaps his palms together, raising them over his head in a gesture of apology.  “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry. We need back-up just in case. You never know.”

 

After he listens, genuinely amazed, he turns to Jinwoo and gives him a friendly shove in the shoulder.  “Hyung, when did you get so good?”

 

Jinwoo reverts to dismissing his own talents, waving Seungyoon off with, “It’s not that good,” because part of him thinks he’ll never be good enough.  Not for the first time he thinks _who hurt you?  Who made you believe this bullshit about yourself?_

 

Mino jumps in, eyes of disbelief wide, and asks boldly, “Hyung, are you crazy?”

 

An unexpected laugh chokes out of Seunghoon before he regains control of himself and clamps it down.  He pats Jinwoo’s back proudly, says to him, “You worked hard.”

 

Jinwoo acknowledges Seunghoon’s words with a bright, glassy sheen to his eyes.  “Thank you, Seunghoonie.”

 

A look passes between them.  An understanding neither he or Mino are privy to, and again he’s reminded that there’s so much about them, past and present, that he doesn’t know.  They have their own lives too, their own scars, their own dreams.

 

He shares his own look of confusion over Seunghoon’s shoulder with Mino who keeps trying to converse with him through strategic eye movements from him to Jinwoo and his eyebrows.  Why he thinks he can is beyond Seungyoon because they can’t even communicate by mouthing words at each other. Mino may enunciate well when he raps but none of that translates to the way his mouth is supposed to move when forming said words.

 

Another intense glare from Mino, this time with his full intent entwined within.  A light goes off in Seungyoon and he thinks yeah. Definitely. _Please._

 

“Jinwoo-hyung,” he says, pretending to be cool.  “Wanna feature?”

 

It takes a second for it to sink in, and then bright eyed and bushy tailed -- he can practically see the bunny ears -- Jinwoo asks him, “Really?”

 

Already anyone can see Jinwoo’s trying desperately to contain his excitement.  He nods an affirmation, and it comes bursting out in a loud, happy screech the likes of which Seungyoon (and probably Seunghoon too) have never heard from him before.  He throws himself on Seungyoon and hugs him tightly.

 

“No take-backs,” he says quickly.

 

Seungyoon laughs at that, hugs him back.  And then he remembers all those months before-- no, must over a year by now when all of them were trashed to tens way to the wind.  Hours and hours before Jinwoo had dumped himself into the shower with the cold water running and Seunghoon had made the floor by Seungyoon’s toilet home for half the day.

 

_“I really wanted to me a singer.” -- Jinwoo, his arm slung around Seungyoon’s shoulder._

 

_“Me too, me too.”  -- Seunghoon, a beer bottle in each hand, his denim jacket half off and hanging by his elbows, right into Seungyoon’s ear._

 

_He shivers because it tickles._

 

_“I still want to be a singer,” Jinwoo admits sadly, trying to look into Seungyoon’s eyes so he can convey just how much but failing because he’s too far gone._

 

_Seunghoon, just as sad.  “Me too.”_

 

“Seunghoon-hyung, you should feature too,” he says over Jinwoo who has yet to let him go.

 

On the surface Seunghoon looks cucumber cool, his appearance betraying nothing.  “I don’t think there’s anything I can contribute.”

 

Jinwoo pulls back abruptly, backhands Seunghoon’s chest, not hard enough to hurt but enough to make Seunghoon wince.  “Don’t lie. I know you still practice rapping.”

 

Seunghoon’s entire composure slips and he grabs Jinwoo by the shoulder, shaking him lightly.  Embarrassed, he exclaims, “You’re not supposed to tell them that!” at the same time Mino makes his own exclamation of, “Hyung, you rap?!  Show me! _Show me!”_

 

Jinwoo grabs Seunghoon’s wrists, unhooks Seunghoon’s fingers from his shoulders so he can twine them together with his.  He’s practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as he cajoles Seunghoon. “C’mon, Hoonie, say yes. It’ll be fun. It’s our only chance!”

 

Seunghoon bends himself back, stares up to the ceiling and lets out a cry of indecision and then, “Okay!”  Rushed like he needed it out before he can change his mind again.

 

Jinwoo whoops, pulls Seunghoon along until they’re both jumping round and round Seungyoon’s studio and Mino… a shout of, “Yas!” and then repeating, “Party!  Party! Party!” with fist pumps in the air even though it makes no sense. Party? Why? How? It’s two in the morning!

 

The next few minutes are pure chaos, and the only thing that goes through his mind is, “What the hell did I just sign up for?”

 

\----

 

He wipes at his eyes groggily, groans a little, stretching and turning over to his side where he catches Mino’s silhouette outlined by the dim glow of the monitor, all other lights having been turned off some time after he’d fallen asleep.  Mino’s knees are pulled up, black socked feet (he always wears black socks) on the chair with him because Seungyoon can’t see them hanging over the edge. He’s hunched over, looks smaller than his actual height would suggest. He’s about to say something like, “Don’t you ever need sleep?” when Mino switches his phone over to speaker, reaching out and takes a swig of something -- energy drink? -- out of a bottle at roughly the same time.  The phone rings, waiting for the connection to complete.

 

He’s wholly unsurprised when Jiho answers.  He should speak up, say something to let them know it’s not a private conversation anymore but he’s human and flawed and the worst parts of him want to know.  It dawns on him this is probably why Jiho doesn’t complain about Mino not picking up or reply to his messages anymore. They’ve reached a compromise.

 

Do they do this every night?  Every other night? Once in a while?  It’s none of his business but there’s a prick in the back of his mind that says it is even though it really isn’t at all.

 

“You busy?” Mino asks in lieu of a hello, his voice hoarse and scratchy from lack of sleep.

 

“No,” Jiho says, followed by rustling and then the sound of a door opening.  “What’s up? Should I hunt Jhonny down?”

 

“Can you?”

 

“Yeah, hold on.”

 

A few minutes later, in a cute, tiny, overly fond voice: Jhonny… I miss you.

 

“Then come home once in a while you asshole.”  Sweeter, Jiho says amidst Jhonny’s answering meows, “She misses you too.”

 

“I will,” Mino assures softly.  “We’re almost done with the album.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah.”  Mino settles down with a yawn.  “Jinwoo-hyung and Seunghoon-hyung are featuring now.  We’re recording a few songs with them but I’m not sure which ones Seungyoon will choose.  There will be at least one though.”

 

“How are they?”

 

“Good.  Jinwoo-hyung tries really hard.  He’s not the most technical singer and he doesn’t have Seungyoon’s range or ability.  But Jinwoo-hyung does this thing that Seungyoon can’t do. I can’t figure out what it is.  He’s good at killing parts.”

 

“Maybe it’s the feel.  And Seunghoon?”

 

Mino hums then, buying time to think his answer over, probably looking for a way to voice his thoughts correctly.  “Seunghoon-hyung has an interesting way of rapping. Skill-wise he’s not all there but he has confidence and energy so his rap is charming and fun.”

 

A chuckle from Jiho, infused with disbelief.  “Never thought I’d see the day Song Mino talked like a leader.”

 

He sees Mino’s head dip lower, rests on his knees when they have nowhere else to go, like he’s trying to hide himself.  “Why do you have to be like this?”

 

“I’m proud of you,” Jiho tells him seriously, genuinely.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You look happy.”

 

Mino shrugs.  “Kind of. It's fun with them.”

 

A natural lull now that the conversation has reached its conclusion.  Now’s his chance, he thinks. He can pretend like he’s just waking up, but he misses the timing and Mino speaks again.

 

“I got another tattoo.  A blue rose.”

 

“Let me see.”

 

Mino maneuvers, half undressing on his right side, pulling the shirt over his shoulder but not his head, to show it off.

 

“That’s really beautiful.  What does it mean?”

 

“The impossible.  Like a miracle.”

 

“That’s fitting.  Matches you.”

 

Mino is shy as they slip into another natural lull, another missed chance.

 

“I wrote a song for you.”

 

Mino’s whole body changes.  He perks up and Seungyoon can practically see the grin.

 

“Present?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”  And more serious.  “Listen… I won’t be able to spend your birthday with you this year.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Mino-”

 

Mino cuts him off.  “It’s okay.”

 

Seungyoon can’t tell if Mino means it.  He’s pretty good at reading Mino’s moods now.  Mino writes all of his emotions -- complex and simple, everything in between -- on his face, can hardly fake them, but from the couch he sees nothing.  He wonders if Jiho can. Probably.

 

The silence this time is fraught so Mino slides in and fills in the void.  “Can I listen?”

 

“Yeah, of course.  I wrote it for you.”

 

It plays and fills his studio with the opening notes of  an electric guitar, then Jiho’s vocals paired with IU’s sweet ones.  It builds but never overwhelms, quirky and fresh but still familiar, intimate.  It’s perfectly balanced.

 

When the song ends, Mino says, “I like it.  What’s it called?”

 

Jiho tells him, “Soulmate.”

 

Mino scoffs at that but not unkindly.  He’s teasing. “Is it _for_ me or _about_ me, hyung?”

 

That hits harder than it probably should.  He’d gone on thinking maybe Mino didn’t know but it seems Mino isn’t as clueless as he’d previously thought.  Jiho stays silent and Seungyoon holds his breath, waiting for the answer.

 

They’re right there, on the edge, so close they might topple over so maybe Jiho will finally say something.  Or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t seem to matter either way because Mino heads him off, intentionally or not doesn’t seem to matter.  “You don’t have to say it.” Softly, gingerly. “I already know.”

 

In that moment Seungyoon realizes he does too.  The answer is so obvious. _Both._  He tosses over again, this time facing away from Mino, and pretends to go to sleep again, heavy feeling settling in his chest before he succumbs to sleep again.

 

\----

 

Seungyoon makes a show of staring at his phone and pretending to be surprised as the date switched over at midnight even though Mino is only glancing up at him once or twice every few minutes.  Instead most of his focus is down, keeps scratching his pencil against the rough paper of his sketchpad, drawing Seungyoon again. Profile this time.

 

“You have a nice jawline,” he had said before he started and damn if Seungyoon didn’t preen a little at the compliment.

 

“Oh, it’s your _birthday.”_

 

Mino shrugs one shoulder bare, the words “be nice” inked black into his smooth skin.  “It’s just another day.” _Skritch, skritch._ “I usually do something with Jiho-hyung and Jihoon but they’re busy today.  Jihoon said they’ll call me when they’re done.”

 

 _Yes,_ he thinks elated, _plan is working!_

 

“Do you?”

 

Mino nods.  “Yeah. I think they still feel guilty about Block B even though that was ages ago and there’s nothing to be guilty.  So they always spend my birthday with me, like just to remind me I matter or something. I don’t know… I don’t know how to feel.  On the one hand I’m happy they spend my birthday with me but on the other hand I’m not happy that they feel like they have to because of how things went down in the past.”

 

He treads carefully.  “They could just want to spend your birthday with you because they care…  And I think Jiho-hyung… I think he...” He trails off. This isn’t something he should interfere with.

 

Another shrug, foregoing the aborted part of Seungyoon’s rambly mess at the end there.   _Why?_ He wants to ask.   _Why do you ignore it?_  “Maybe.”  A pregnant pause.  “Probably. Now at least.”  And then, over the edge of his sketchbook, Mino pins him with sharp eyes.  “I know.”

 

Seungyoon feels cornered, trapped and desperate.  “Know what?”

 

“I know what he did.  I know he roped you into it.  He does shit like this sometimes.”  He looks away, back to his drawing again.  “There’s a reason I’m not in his Fanxy Child crew.  He won’t say it to me but he keeps thinking weird shit like I’m some baby bird he has to let go so I can thrive or some shit like that.  It’s all bull though.

 

“After Bom, after being done with my service, I didn’t know what to do anymore.  I didn’t have any workable skills. I couldn’t go home because I didn’t want to face being a disappointment to my family, and Jiho-hyung wouldn’t let me live with him if I didn’t do Show Me the Money.  I’d completely given up on doing something I love because it hurt too much but he still believed in me. He pushed me because he knew deep down I still wanted it. He _saved_ me, you know?  I’d be perfectly happy to just keep making music with him and Block B but I’m trying to respect his wishes so now I’m just… in this inbetween.  It feels like… I don’t know. I don’t have anywhere to belong.”

 

The air is thick a heavy emotion after Mino finishes and a part of him wants to say, _you belong with me; you belong with me and Jinwoo and Seunghoon._  He grasps for something else, _anything else,_ to lighten the mood because Jinwoo and Seunghoon are supposed to be there any minute with cake.  He vomits out a teasing, coy, “So you’re saying everyone was right? Jiho was always gonna pick you?   _The winner is Song Mino?”_

 

He’s rewarded with a snort, a crooked half-smile, equipped with a kick to his thigh.  “Jerk. That was all hard work and skill.”

 

The air settles down into something comfortable again.

 

“I wouldn’t work with you if I didn’t think you were good, you know?  Even if it was Jiho-hyung who asked.” He needs Mino to know that.

 

“I figured that out eventually,” Mino says.  “You play Jiho-hyung almost as good as I do.”

 

They both laugh at that.  Mino puts the finishing touches on his drawing, and Seungyoon takes an angled selfie with Mino in the background, eyes narrowed in intense concentration.  He posts it on Instagram with the caption _brothers_ but edits it out a few seconds later because it doesn’t feel right, replaces with with _happy birthday my friend._

 

Mino presents him with his finished drawing, unsigned as always.  He must have a dozen of these by now, all from different angles, given to him, and he briefly he wonders how many more Mino has hidden away.

 

“You can stay with me whenever you want,” he offers, a part of him wanting to say _please stay with me._  “And you can use my studio any time.  We’re partners in crime now.”

 

He’s rewarded with a smile.  “Thanks.”

 

Seungyoon admits, quite shyly, “You’re my best friend.”

 

“Jihoonie is still my best friend,” Mino declares cheekily but the next moment he softens, admits, “You’re important too.  Top three for sure.” He leans in, sneakily mumbles to Seungyoon through the corner of his mouth like he’s sharing a secret even though no one else is there, “Don’t tell Kyung-hyung.”

 

He laughs and Mino giggles and then he yawns and whines about being tired before plopping his head into Seungyoon’s lap to catch a quick nap.

 

\----

 

The door cracks open and a hand blindly reaches out for the lights, awkwardly missing three or four times before whoever it is finally finds the switch to turn off the lights.  Then the door bursts open, startling Mino, and he shoots up from Seungyoon’s lap in shock, alert, letting out a startled yelp. Seunghoon practically prances in ballerina style, and Jinwoo follows more carefully with a cake for Mino’s birthday.  This is phase two of Jiho and Jihoon’s not quite brilliant Super Secret Let’s Surprise Mino with a Birthday Party But Not on His Actual Birthday Party. Yeah, it’s a mouthful. And it hardly makes sense. He’s not even sure he’s thinking it right.  The look of utter unimpressed and lack of amusement on Seunghoon’s face after Jihoon had spouted the name at them all innocent, mischievous smile at them still cracks Seungyoon up internally.

 

Admittedly this is probably a little more dramatic than what Jiho and Jihoon had in mind but it gets the job done.

 

“Our cute Song Mino,” Seunghoon half sings.  “Congrats.”

 

Jinwoo sets the cake on the coffee table in front of them.  “Happy Birthday.”

 

Go with the flow, Jiho had instructed, so they eat cake, and they give Mino presents, and when Jinwoo whips out homemade seaweed soup from a thermos and pour it into a cup Mino starts tearing up.  First bite, and he swallows hard, keeps it at bay. By the third bite he’s the soup is saltier than intended, mixed in with Mino’s tears. He tries so hard to stop but it only makes him cry harder.  Seunghoon sweetly hands him a towel, from where he’s seated on the ground next to Mino, and laughs at him a little, trying to lighten up Mino’s mood.

 

“I’m not sad,” Mino says, tilting his head back so he can breathe easier.  “I’m happy. I’m really happy.”

 

Eyes swollen and nose plugged he finishes Jinwoo’s soup.  Or is it Seunghoon’s? Most likely. He’s never actually seen Jinwoo cook.

 

Later, at the party, Jiho will ask him why Mino’s eyes looks like he’d been crying before they came, and in turn he’ll ask Jiho, “When _doesn’t_ he cry?”  It’s a fair enough point.  One that Jiho easily admits too.

 

Phase three: Jiho messages Mino just after midnight and says, “Sorry.  It’s kind of late but if you still want to hang out come to my place.”

 

Quick fingers, more delicate than he thought they should be, _you sure?_

 

**_Yeah.  Bring your group._ **

 

_We have leftover cake?  Want some?_

 

**_Nah.  We can just hang and play video games._ **

 

Thankfully Plan A had worked out easily.  Plan B would have hurt his pride just a little.  Okay, it would have hurt his pride a lot. _Purposely mess up recording those high notes if you have to_ from Park Kyung; his solution for if Mino had said no to Jiho so they can keep pushing through with recording.  They’re so close to finishing with recording they’re all on the edge of their seats anticipating it.

 

When they get there it’s all the people Mino knows, all the ones he considers friends.  There’s Block B, of course. Some members from Bom because Mino still tries to keep contact sometimes.  People he’d gotten close to on _Show Me the Money,_ through Jiho.  Other underground artists he’d worked with, featured on.  Friends from school, one or two from his military service because Mino collects people wherever he goes.

 

They all wait, and they all surprise him, and for the first time Seungyoon understand the scope of how loved Mino is by the people he’s met and befriended, by the people he’s helped.

 

\----

 

Now that the recording and all the chosen tracks have been sent over to his sound engineer he moves on to the next phase of his comeback plans, set for Mid-May, barely a month away.  There’s the music video shooting, photo-jacket shooting still. Guest appearances on tv and radio shows need to be scheduled to help promote because it will be an uphill battle with a more pop influenced album.  So, there more exposure the better. And then the actual comeback stages. And there’s the concert tour after that, to see more of his fans. He loves being a singer, there’s never been a doubt in his mind this is what he is meant to do, but all the stuff that comes with it can get tiring sometimes, especially when he’s alone.

 

Mino still uses his studio all the time but Seungyoon hardly sees him anymore.  He’s so busy he barely has time to sleep and see Thor, much less go into the studio.

 

He’d spent the better part of nine months with Mino by his side day in and day out, a lot of nights too, with Jinwoo and Seunghoon joining in at the tail end there, that it feels so jarring to go at it solo again.  He’d forgotten how incredibly lonely and isolating it can be.

 

Mid-meeting for the music video he makes his decision, changing his mind and changing the title track along with it.  He insists on promoting the one that features Mino, knows even while he’s requesting that it’s selfish. Mino is working on his album now, something he creates by himself, something he can be proud of.

 

Everyone fights him, of course they do.  Mino isn’t their artist and he isn’t a Jiho or a G-Dragon so in their eyes he contributes nothing but gains everything because Seungyoon is popular, famous.  He stands his ground, unwilling to cave because he wants this so bad he hurts for it. In the end they cave.

 

\----

 

It’s been awhile since they last saw each other.  It’s going to be awhile before they see each other again, and she’s giving it her all, dinner included.  All his favorite things. She starts conversations but Seungyoon doesn’t know how to continue them, doesn’t really want too, and he knows it’s fucked up.

 

She’s holding onto the cracks in their foundation, trying to keep them together.

 

He’s the jerk who won’t help her.

 

He’s the asshole who won’t end it.

 

_Coward._

 

\----

 

Their title claw its way up to number one on the weekly charts when the song is released and the album lands in top five.  He’d be lying if he said reaching number one isn’t important to him because of course it is. It means people still care about him enough to listen.

 

They definitely celebrated a little too hard though, especially with the lack of sleep, the lack of food, and with Jinwoo involved.  He’s starting to think drinking with Jinwoo is something he should probably do less of. Seunghoon had, once again, abstained but, once again, hadn’t needed anything to grease him into having fun and letting go.

 

His manager dumps them onto Seungyoon’s bed without complaint or grumbling, forces them both to drink a bottle of water each and makes sure to tell Seungyoon there are two sets of aspirin and two bottles of water for the morning on his night stand.

 

“You’re MVP,” he slurs out to his manager.  “I’m gonna make them give you a raise tomorrow.”

 

“Okay,” his manager says back, but Seungyoon can tell he’s not taking Seungyoon seriously.  He’s gonna prove his manager wrong tomorrow. Just wait.

 

His bed isn’t small but it’s not big either.  They’re close, facing each other, and there’s a warm little hum forming in the pit of his chest.  Feels good. Comfortable. He missed this, doesn’t much care how or why it makes sense. It feels like just yesterday Jiho was introducing the two of them.  It feels like just yesterday they were messing around in his studio. It hits him then that once promos are over he’s going on his tour and that means they’ll be doing their own thing again.  It’s all coming to a close.

 

Mino extends an arm to pat his cheek but misses and hits Seungyoon’s nose.  “Don’t look like that,” he says.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Sad.”

 

He rebuts, lies.  “I’m not sad. I’m just tired.”

 

Mino yawns, letting it pass.  “Me too.” An eye opens, peeks at him.  A mischievous grin breaks out. “Will you comfort me?” 2

 

It takes a moment to moment to register, for him to get the joke.  He groans and then kicks Mino out of his bed for good measure, succeeding after a few tries with his uncooperative legs.  Mino squawks, eyes wide with instinctive fear, flops, and falls off the edge. Mino thinks he’s so funny, won’t stop giggling even though he’s lying on the cold, hard floor.

 

“Asshole,” he says through his own grin, no bite to his words.  Can’t help the affection that squeaks by his defenses.

 

Mino climbs onto the bed again, crawls under Seungyoon’s covers, forcefully tugging some of it free because Seungyoon refuses to move an inch.  Something about Mino’s mostly asleep face eases him, let’s him open up. And maybe because he’s drunk. There’s that too.

 

He asks, “Hypothetically, there’s this person you’re with who’s incredible in pretty much every way but you don’t love her.  Is it better tell her the truth and break up with her or is it better to wait for them to break up with you so they don’t get hurt?”

 

The answer comes almost immediately, Mino not even bothering to open his eyes.  “First option. Respect her and tell her the truth. Making her break up with you because _you_ don’t want to be with her is manipulative and more hurtful.”

 

He sighs.  “Everyone knows?”

 

“Pretty much, yeah.  Anyone can see you’re not that into her anymore.”

 

“I was trying.”

 

Finally Mino opens his eyes and looks straight at him, laser focused, mouth touched with a smirk.  “No, you weren't. But we all know you’re really in love with me anyway.”

 

He snorts at that.  “You wish.”

 

Mino shoots back, “Don’t need to,” and ends up on the floor again.  It takes a few tries but he gets there courtesy of Seungyoon’s legs.

 

\----

 

Seungyoon says to her, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and promptly realizes his mistake when she starts to cry.  “Really, it’s-”

 

She interrupts him to ask, “What did I do wrong?” and that hurts his heart because he made her think it’s her fault.

 

“Nothing,” he tells her honestly.  “It really _is_ me.  You’re a really great person, probably more than I deserve, but I just… I don’t… feel anything romantic for you anymore. It doesn’t have anything to do with what you did or didn’t do.  I think sometimes things just… come to a natural end.”

 

He still feels like an asshole afterwards but Mino is right.  It was the right thing to do.

 

\----

 

Jinwoo, Seunghoon, and Mino join him as guests for his concert in Seoul, the kick-off to his month long tour around Asia.

 

He doesn’t have trouble filling a stage on his own and had feared for a moment that maybe with all four of them it might feel too crowded.  Midway through their two song set as a quartet his fears finally dissipate, and he realizes how silly they’d been to begin with. The four of them fit, work off of each other’s energy well.  He’d been stupid to worry.

 

Jinwoo glows when he’s singing on stage, makes sure to connect with as many people as possible through his sparkly bright eyes.  Even with the bright lights he can see how awed the crowd is by Jinwoo’s beauty and no doubt, some probably swaying over to Jinwoo.

 

And Seunghoon, when he’s front and center dancing, no one can can take him down.

 

\----

 

This feeling of complete emptiness post concert isn’t something new.  It’s become normal now to experience an emotional high during the concert and then crash afterwards, especially when he’s all alone in his hotel room.  But it’s the first time it feels unbearable.

 

He lies on his bed, tries searching for fancams and comments but it’s too early.  He found a few pictures here and there, but not enough to distract. He thumbs through his phone afterwards but nothing. He switches over to his contact list, scrolls through each one and stops on Mino.  Maybe…

 

He hits dial before he can think too much on it, before doubts settle in and he changes his mind.  Mino picks up on the third ring, and Seungyoon hears the noise of a busy restaurant before Mino speaks.  He winces. Maybe it was a mistake to call after all. Judging from the laughter he hears Mino sounds like he’s out having fun.

 

“Hello?” Mino says right into the speaker, afraid that Seungyoon might not hear him.

 

“Hey,” he says awkwardly, draws out his greeting to stave off having an actual conversation.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“No really, what’s up?  You’re in Taiwan right? Finished with the concert?”

 

“Yeah,” he says.  “You sound busy so-”

 

“No, wait.  Hold on.” The sound becomes muffled, probably from being pressed against Mino’s chest and then he’s back again a minute later, the noise behind him now gone.  Seungyoon hears a car, another, maybe a horn in the background this time.

 

“You didn’t have to leave.”

 

“I wanted to go home anyway.  Walking back now.” Mino says, dismissing his concern.  “Actually,” he continues, sounding heavy, “I needed to get out of there.”

 

“What’s going on with you?” he asks, concern rising, diverting the conversation an added bonus.

 

The streets behind Mino dies down until he can’t hear anything anymore except the quick little breaths Mino is taking while he walks.   _Be patient,_ he tells himself.  Mino will tell him when he’s ready.

 

“I’m having panic attacks,” he says finally, low like he doesn’t want anyone but Seungyoon to hear.  “When I drink it gets worse.”

 

He sits up on his bed, legs crossed, brows furrowed together in worry.  “When did it start?”

 

Slowly, “A few weeks ago.”

 

“When we were promoting together?”

 

“...Yeah.  You’re used to getting that kind of attention all the time but I’m not.  When I release things before or did collabs with Tablo-hyung people didn’t care.  I was pretty much a nobody even after _Show Me the Money._  But then you and me and now the fans and people keep asking me when I’m going to release my album.  And they keep telling me they expect great things from me. There’s all these lists about who to look forward to, too.”  He sighs, sounds weighed down by it all. “It got in my head and now all I think about is like what if what I do doesn’t match all the hype?  Then I’m just a failure. _Again.”_

 

“You spiral,” Seungyoon says to him, understanding this part at least.

 

“Yeah,” Mino admits sadly.  “This sucks.”

 

“I don’t know if there’s anything I can do but you can always call me.  I’ll listen.”

 

“You sure?  Could be too much.”

 

“Yeah.  You’re my friend.”

 

“What about you, Kang Seungyoon.  Why’d you really call?”

 

He mulls it over and well… if Mino can be vulnerable with him then he should be brave enough to open himself up too.  That’s what friends are for, to support you through the good _and_ the bad.

 

“You ever do this really good performance or set or something and while you’re doing it your on top of the world?”  He waits for Mino’s confirmation before he lays it all out there. “It’s like a high and I feel great and invincible but after the show it’s like everything comes crashing down and I just feel like there’s this black hole inside me sucking everything away.  I need other people around, I think, to level out but I’m always alone in my room after.”

 

He holds his breath, doesn’t know he’s doing it, only realizing when he can breathe again.

 

Mino says to him, “Sentiments the same, you know.  You can always call me. Any time.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How about now?”

 

Mino chuckles.  “Yeah, didn’t drink so I should be up for a few more hours at least.  I’m almost home so you can talk to Thor. He misses you like crazy.”

 

“Does he?”

 

“Every time someone walks by he runs to the door.  And then when you _don’t_ come through the door he whines sadly.  It’s cute. A little sad too but mostly just adorable.”

 

God, he misses Thor too.  He misses coming home to Thor greeting him and him telling Thor about his day while Thor listens, happily receiving Seungyoon’s pets.  He misses being woken up for early morning walks by Thor whining in his ear. And Jhonny. He can’t help the chuckle that escapes. She is… well, she’s quite special, that’s for sure.

 

“What?” Mino asks, the sound of elevator door closing in the background.

 

“Are Jhonny and Thor getting along now?”

 

It’s Mino’s turn to chuckle.  “Well, I think Thor is in love but Jhonny is still playing hard to get.”

 

“She’s such a princess,” he says.

 

Mino sighs fondly.  “She really is. My princess.”

 

After he greets Jhonny, and after he talks to Thor, updating him on his tour with Mino holding both the phone and cuddling Thor, they keep talking.  Mundane things, really. What Mino had for dinner that day, the new songs he’d written, new ideas he has. The market where Seungyoon went to take pictures with the camera Mino had given him for Christmas hung around his neck.  He’s bought new ones with better specs since then but when he wants a bit of comfort he reaches out for this one.

 

“Someone told me that to really know a place you should always go to a market.”

 

Seungyoon cracks a grin at that.  “Hodong-hyung?”

 

He hears Mino’s smile, can practically see the way Mino’s eyes crinkle in his mind.  “Yeah.”

 

Later into the night Mino climbs into his bed, under the the covers.  Seungyoon buries himself under his blankets and they keep talking until inevitably they’re lulled into sleep, both comforted and warm, feeling a little less empty, a little more okay.

 

\----

 

He hears the sharp rap of knuckles against his bedroom door, and before he can properly respond Mino opens it a squeak and pokes his head through, the rest of his body below his neck still hidden from view.

 

Seungyoon grins at him, thinks him silly, knows just from the look on his face that he’s up to something.

 

“What’s up?” he asks all the same, giving Mino the open he desperately wants.

 

At this point Mino is practically bursting with glee.  “Close your eyes.”

 

Seungyoon teases him with a firm _no,_ wants to be difficult just to see Mino pout a little.

 

“I have a surprise for you.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Seungyoon,” he whines.

 

It’s inevitable that he gives in, had been from the beginning.  “Okay,” he says, and closes his eyes, waits.

 

He hears the door open the rest of the way, Mino shuffling in with… a bag?  A case? His gait is off.

 

“Open your eyes,” Mino instructs, and when he does he sees…

 

“My old friend!” he exclaims, and thrust out his arms immediately, fingers wiggling, itching to hold his favorite guitar in hand again.  Mino hands it over at once, chuckles at the way Seungyoon shivers with it in his hands, excited and happy. _Like a chick,_ he thinks as Seungyoon starts strumming with a smile splitting his face in half, cheeks puffing out..

 

“Jiho-hyung flew out for his concerts today so I thought I’d sneak one out for you.  Lately I noticed that your hands are getting restless. And sometimes when we write songs together it’s like you’re almost reaching out for it before you remember they’re not there anymore so I thought maybe one can visit you.  Escape from prison while Jiho-hyung is gone or something. I don’t know. I don’t know, Seungyoon. Please make me shut up.”

 

Seungyoon laughs at him.  “Thank you,” he says with all the sincerity he can convey.  “Do you want to hear the song I’ve fallen for recently.”

 

“Sure,” he says, and then pulls Seungyoon’s desk chair to sit across from him.

 

He starts, plays by ear from what he can remember.  “To be young and in love in New York City,” he croons, looks at Mino with affection and can’t break away.  “To not know who I am but know still know that I’m good as long as you’re here with me.” Mino watches him intently, a thought in his eyes and a decision made when Seungyoon finishes the song.

 

Mino asks him point blank, no hint of a joke or teasing, “Can I take this as a confession?”

 

“I don’t know,” he answers with honesty, taken by surprise.  He hasn’t really thought about it before but...well... “All I know is I like being with you more than anyone else.”

 

“Okay,” Mino says to him.  “I’m going to… I’m going to try something.”

 

And then he leans in, crowds in Seungyoon’s space from above.  He stops when he’s close, giving Seungyoon all the time he needs to say no, to push him away.  Seungyoon stays stock still, frozen, unable to do anything, unable to think fully.

 

Mino hesitates but when they finally kiss it’s…

 

Well it can hardly be considered a kiss.  The pressure is there, yes, but they’re both like dead fish, neither moving, both barely breathing, too nervous to do anything real.  He can’t help it. It’s so silly. All the buildup, all the anticipation, and it’s for this? A laugh bursts out of him, meets Mino’s mouth, and he breaks away.  He sees the hurt in Mino’s face, the retreat, and that sobers him up.

 

Mino pulls away, won’t look at him, and he reaches out, grabs Mino’s hand before he can slip away.

 

“Hey,” he says gently.  “It’s not what you’re thinking.”

 

“It’s cool,” Mino begins, trying to look the part.

 

“C’mere,” he insists, pulling Mino back in again, tugs him down with a fisted shirt.

 

This time it’s different.  The awkwardness is gone and they fit together, have always fit together.  From the very beginning. He is prepared this time and it seems Mino is too because they move together now, a push and pull that’s perfectly in sync.  He parts his mouth the slightest and Mino takes advantage. His breath catches but Mino doesn’t give him room the breathe. A white hot desire twists in his gut when Mino pushes him back onto his bed.

 

\----

 

Now that he has time and Mino’s album is finally ready to drop he can finally listen to it as a whole.  He’s heard snippets here and there and the unfinished product but now he can listen to it as it’s meant to be heard.  They’re lounging in Mino’s room, technically, though he doesn’t spend much time in here anymore, using it as a work space outside of Seungyoon’s studio.  God, he’s going to have to get used to not thinking of it has his studio. It’s _their_ studio now.

 

Mino is at his desk, usb plugged into his laptop, files ready, and Seungyoon is lying on the bed anticipating.  One song after the other, and then _Lonely_ and _will you comfort me--_

 

“You asshole,” he says with a glare, remembers that night.  Mino grins back at him with fake innocence, all pearly white teeth on display.

 

In the end he falls in love with the whole album.  So much it might be a little silly but Mino’s entire heart and soul, all his hard work is on display here.  It’ll be a hit, he’s sure, and it’ll shoot Mino up even higher into the stars.

 

“Do you think,” he starts off later that night over dinner, “that you’d like to be in a group again?”  He’d been thinking about it, had been too scared to ask before.

 

Mino chews slowly, thoughtfully before he answers.  “You and me group or you, me, Jinwoo-hyung and Seunghoon-hyung group.”

 

“The second one,” he says.  “I’ve been giving it some thought.  My fans, _our fans,_ I guess, keep asking for us to release more things together.  They really like _Smile Again_ and _Go Up.”_

 

Mino looks unsure because he’s been here before, had his heart broken with Block B and then Bom.

 

“I also want it too,” he admits, baring a part of his soul.  “During my tour I realized I don’t like being alone. It was something I was just used to but that kind of life is hard to go back to.”

 

“I don’t like being alone either,” Mino says after a long pause, and it’s as good as a _yes._

 

When he asks them Jinwoo asks, “Really?” with big, hopeful eyes, and when Seungyoon replies with a _yes_ there’s a pause as he lets the news sink in before stepping away, turning his back to the both of them.  There’s sniffling and anyone can see he’s wiping at his eyes.

 

Seungyoon lets him be, doesn’t say anything.  Sometimes emotions can be overwhelming in their depth, in their complexity.

 

“If you’re serious,” Seunghoon says quietly, more calm and collected, arms crossed protectively over his chest still, “I’m gonna quit YG.”  He looks at Seungyoon, a little unsure. “Do you think your label would sign me?”

 

“Me too,” Jinwoo chimes, more calm now but nose still clogged, making him sound nasally.  “My contract ends at the end of the year. If we do this I don’t want to sign with YG again.  Doing music through YG is too hard.”

 

“Yes,” he says with one hundred percent certainty.  “It’ll be easier to promote that way too, if we’re all under one label.”

 

\----

 

Jiho snatches his phone right out of his hands and Seungyoon doesn’t even see it coming.  He pockets Seungyoon’s phone inside his hoodie as he slips into the booth across from Seungyoon, pulling his hood down to reveal his face once he’d settled in, placing his elbows on the table, fingers laced together at rest.

 

A reprimand.  “I thought I told you to stop reading hate comments.”

 

He bold face lies.  “I’m not.”

 

Jiho quirks an eyebrow at him.

 

“You were making that face where you pretend you’re not bothered but you really are,” Jiho counters matter of fact, sipping water from a pre-placed glass after.

 

“Well…” he ransacks his brain, grasping for anything.  “You’re one to talk. You’re basically a pot calling the kettle black.  You’re more sensitive to it than I am.”

 

Jiho sighs at him.  “Just because I do it doesn’t mean you should.”

 

“I know it doesn’t really help any and I should stop but it’s hard.  It’s like an addiction.”

 

“I get you,” Jiho says sadly, understanding how hard a habit it is to quit but hoping Seungyoon can all the same.  “Where’s Mino?”

 

“Filming New Journey.”

 

Seungyoon’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he peaks at it, seeing Mino’s name pop up.  “Speak of the devil,” he says, and hands Seungyoon’s phone back to him.

 

Since the message came from Mino he hadn’t expected Seungyoon to go through his normal routine of checking it and either ignoring it altogether or -- if he can be bothered -- sending back a quick reply and then leaving it be.  The open expression of joy on Seungyoon’s face when he opens the message is something else. _What could it possibly be?_ he thinks.  Can’t be anything but mundane because Mino is _filming._

 

Seungyoon types out a longer reply than most he usually gave but then… _then,_ after hitting send he seems wholly unsatisfied.

 

“Sorry,” he says to Jiho.  “I’m gonna call him. Give me a sec?”

 

When Seungyoon comes back ten minutes later he stares at Seungyoon in awe and shock.  He stretches out a finger, pokes Seungyoon in the cheek. “Who are you?”

 

Seungyoon swats him away.  “What do you mean?”

 

“You’ve changed.”

 

“I haven’t changed.”

 

“No,” he insists.  “You have. We’re hanging out and in the middle of it you _left to make a call_ that isn’t even important.”

 

“It’s Mino,” Seungyoon says back to him by way of explanation, subdued, won’t look at Jiho like he’s afraid of revealing too much.  Maybe he pushed it too far. He looks closer at Seungyoon, trying to gauge, and it really hits home then that Seungyoon _has_ changed.  He looks happier, less lonely, but more now than before.   _At peace,_ he concludes.  No, not just at peace.   _Complete._  Because of Mino.  And maybe Jinwoo and Seunghoon too.

 

He changes topic.  It’s for the best, he thinks.  “Mino tells me you guys are starting a group together.”

 

Seungyoon lights up.  “Yeah. I’m working on the music right now.  Mino’s busy so it’s just mostly me but Seunghoon is giving it a try too.”

 

“And Jinwoo?”

 

“Hyung says he has no talent for writing music or lyrics so he’ll be he face.”

 

Jiho chuckles, amused.  “Well, at least he knows his capabilities.  And he _is_ incredibly handsome.  Have you decided on a name?”

 

“Winner,” he says proudly.  “We all took a different path to achieve our dreams.  It was long and hard but we all still made it here so I think each of us, in our own way, is a winner.”

 

It’s a little cheesy but Jiho smiles fondly all the same, looks at him like he’s a proud father.  “You’re gonna be a good leader.”

 

\----

 

It’s quiet, just the two of them in his apartment, save for the sound of a movie playing in the background.  A miracle really, for their schedules to sync up like this even if it’s just for a short time. It’s been chaotic, their lives hectic the past few weeks.  Between Mino filming _New Journey to the West_ with Jihoon and preparing his solo album release and Jiho with his tour and starting his own label they’ve hardly seen each other much less had time to hang out.

 

This is nice.  He’s adult enough to admit that he’s been a little jealous of Jihoon lately, and God, he’s never going to let anyone figure that one out, not Pyo Jihoon (probably too dumb to anyway) and especially not Park Kyung because the only thing Park Kyung might love more than himself is gossip and he’d be so smug about it too.

 

Watching them be idiots together on their show, having fun and enjoying each other’s presence… It made him miss _Show me the Money._  Yeah, it was fucked up and frustrating, and he spent a lot of it keeping a firm grasp on his anger but in return he got to stand on a stage with Mino doing what they love, doing what they’re good at.

 

Without much preamble or warning Mino gets up to go to the bathroom and in sync he reaches for the remote, pauses the film because Mino doesn’t like to miss anything.  He gets another message asking if Mino is going to YG, and he swears if he gets another message asking he’s going to lose it.

 

When Mino comes back, he foregoes sitting altogether, instead he crawls onto the couch, rests his head on Jiho’s lap and cuddles into him, Mino curling his whole body into a ball.

 

He smiles down, welcoming the touch, and scratches the side of Mino’s head affectionately, blowing into his ear just to hear Mino whine and complain.  He wiggles some more, shimmying a little and tucking his hands against his chest, whole body curled into a loose ball.

 

“I’m ready,” Mino says when he has settled.

 

“Hold on,” he says, thinks now’s as any to get an answer.  Next time someone asks he’ll know for sure, and telling one person means everyone would know so maybe they’d leave him the fuck alone and stop trying to drag him into gossip.  “I heard YG is interested in you. For their Black Label.”

 

Mino looks up at him in confusion.  “Okay? So?”

 

“So… Have you heard from them?  Are you gonna go to YG?”

 

Mino balks at the idea.  “No.”

 

“What?  C’mon, you can tell me.  This is _YG_.”

 

Mino shrugs at him as best he can.  “Don’t care. I’ve already decided I’m gonna be the first artist you sign.”

 

He snorts at that.  If only. He’d sign Mino in a heartbeat.   _I’d keep him forever if I could._  “Don’t you have another year on your contract?” he shoots back.  “YG has money. They can buy your contract. You’d have their backing _and_ you won’t have trainee fees.  You’ll rake in money easy.”

 

“Hyung, _you_ can buy my contract,” Mino points out, “and then I can ‘rake in money easy’ with you.”

 

He chokes at that.  “You think I’m made out of money?”

 

“You _are_ made out of money, hyung.”

 

“Aish, you-” and he stops, doesn’t know how to shoot that one down because it’s at least a little true.  Mino always told him, usually when he raids Jiho’s closet, that what was Jiho’s was always his and in a lot of ways that’s very true, money being the least of it.  Money he can always make. Mino’s happiness… well, that’s a little more tenuous than he’d like. He huffs all the same, can’t let it show. “You and Kang Seungyoon.  A pair of punks bullying your hyung around.”

 

And then the sad, hurt eyes, and he knows he’s being played, he _knows_ it and yet… and yet he crumbles all the same, God damnit, because when it comes to Song Mino he barely has any defenses, never had any since they were teenagers.  He’s got half a mind to text Seungyoon and tell him to _come pick up your sorry excuse of a boyfriend_ just to see the two of them sputter hilariously and deny, deny, _deny_ like Jiho is blind.

 

“Okay, okay,” he relents.  “You can be the second.”

 

“First,” Mino insists, decidedly leaving him no room for argument.

 

“Fine,” he gives in, sighing tiredly for show but amused all the same.  “You can be the first. But let’s move fast. Before you drop your album and it blows up.”

 

It’s worth it when he sees Mino beaming up at him.

 

“You think it’ll blow up?”

 

He tuts.  “I always tell you, don’t I?  You’ll do well no matter what.”

 

The moment stretches into something gentle, the corners of Mino’s eyes softening before they dip low.  He strains up then seemingly in slow motion, eyes at half mast, his whole body lengthening, propping himself up on his elbows.  He kisses Jiho, a firm press of lips against lips and it’s wonderful, closed lip and dry and unmistakably there, remnants of peach chapstick in his mouth.  He kisses back. It’s the first. And the last. Probably. Inevitably. A beginning. And an end. Still in this one moment they’re perfect together, and he wishes they didn’t have to stop.

 

Mino is the one who breaks away.  But then it was always going to be Mino who did, wasn’t it?

 

“Jiho,” he says, serious enough to drop the honorific.  “I really love you.”

 

His heart stutters because it’s sweet.  And it’s sad. They’re both different now, have changed, will keep changing, but this is one thing they have always been; this is one thing they always will be.  He runs a hand through Mino’s hair, smooths it back, takes in Mino’s sharp cheekbones and jawline, his ocean eyes and strong brows, his full bottom lip with its piercing.  He’d hated it at first, just a little even though he never voiced it, but these days he can’t stop staring at it, wonders how he’ll react when Mino changes the stud to a lip-ring.

 

“I know,” he says finally.

 

Sweeter.  Sadder. “I’m always going to love you.”   _No matter who else there is_ he means.

 

“I know,” he repeats.  “Me too.” Always. _Because you’re you and I’m me._

 

Seungyoon had teased him once, jokingly saying to him, “You’re giving me your most precious dongsaeng?”

 

And he was.  He still is.

 

Mino snuggles back in, makes himself comfortable again, curls into a ball with his knees pulled close to his chest, head warm on Jiho’s lap still.  He takes out his phone, thumbs a quick text to Seungyoon.

 

_I’m trusting you.  You better take care of him._

 

He gets a quick reply back.

 

**_??_ **

 

He closes his phone and doesn’t answer because Seungyoon isn’t stupid enough to not know exactly what he’s talking about.

 

“You ready?” he asks once Mino stops squirming.

 

“No,” he gets back.  “Hyung, order some food.  I’m hungry.”

 

 _Aish._  Why is he such a sucker for punks like them?  Song Mino. Kang Seungyoon. Pyo Jihoon. Lee Taeil.  He needs to re-evaluate himself, see a therapist or something to work out his issues.  Maybe make more friends like Hyuk and Hyoseob.

 

\----

 

Seunghoon won’t say it outright to his face but judging from his expression he isn’t completely satisfied with Seungyoon’s dancing either and if he’s not satisfied then neither is Seungyoon.  Theoretically he knows what he should do but he can’t get his body to move the way it’s supposed to.

 

Their debut as an official group is two months away and he still hasn’t mastered their dance.

 

“It’s okay to not be perfect,” Seunghoon says from his corner of the room, intently watching Seungyoon, who is lying on the floor, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath.

 

It is.  Plenty of groups have barely passable dancers.  Logically he knows that, but the part of him that wants to be perfect all the time won’t let him stop.  Not to mention Mino and Jinwoo had gotten the dance down in maybe… half a day? Watching them pick everything up so quickly had hurt his pride.

 

Seunghoon had explained it to him then.  “Mino trained for a really long time with Block B and then Bom.  He hasn’t danced for a long time but some things become ingrained.  Jinwoo also trained for a really long time. _You_ have never danced before or had any training.  It’s only normal to not be good.”

 

“I know,” he groans out, sits up, slumps forward.  Seunghoon’s words are meant to provide comfort but dishearten him instead.  “But I can’t give up just because it’s hard and I’m passable. What does that say about me to my fans?  I have to give them the best version of me I can so if that means I keep practicing then I keep practicing.”

 

Silence follows, stays for a few long seconds, and then they come to an understanding.

 

“Okay.”  Seunghoon jumps up onto his feet, walks to Seungyoon and offers down a hand.  “Let’s go again.”

 

Seungyoon grasps his hand allows himself to be helped up.  “Thank you, hyung. You really didn’t have to be here with me.”

 

Seunghoon waves him off.  “What else am I going to do?  Now that I’ve quit YG I’m free all day.”

 

\----

 

They release their single album as an official group on April 4th, 2019 and the general public falls in love with _Really Really._ He hears it wherever he goes and and on tv Jinwoo’s cast members can’t stop singing, “I like you,” to him.

 

When they win their first trophy a week later Jinwoo keeps it together long enough to cry backstage after their encore.  Performing on a music program and winning first place finally makes it real for him. Nine long years, give or take a few months and he has finally achieved his dream.

 

\----

 

In the van it’s just the two of them, him and Seunghoon.  It’s quiet. Seunghoon is looking out the window, watching all the cars pass by and he’s on his phone checking the comments under their videos.

 

Seungyoon looks up at Seunghoon when he speaks.

 

He says.  “I’m working hard for you.”   _Because I lack a lot.  Because I need to catch up to you for Winner._

 

Seunghoon’s words, his sentiment, acknowledgement of Seungyoon as his leader and his willingness to follow, touches him deeply, makes him melt a little on the inside.

 

\----

 

Feels like a long time ago now when Mino had told him that he kissed Jiho because he didn’t want there to be secrets between them, not ones that would hurt at least.  It was just the one time. Never before, and never again after. Seungyoon can’t say he was surprised, his long held suspicions finally confirmed. He can’t say he wasn’t either, a tiny prick embedded into him, mind and soul, a thorn that never quite leaves.

 

He tried playing it cool then.

 

He’s trying to play it cool now, acting like he’s unbothered but the ugly truth is he’s jealous and he’s not handling it very well.  It’s not the first time he’s seen them this way, all… couple-y, and he knows it won’t be the last time either. No, he thinks, everyone is here to celebrate a successful album release for them four months after Really Really.   _Everyday_ dropped earlier earlier in the week, August 12th, and everyone is here to celebrate them.  Don’t ruin it, he thinks, repeats to himself like a mantra.

 

The dark lighting of the club’s VIP area helps hide him from most but not Park Kyung.  Park Kyung who is quick-witted and likes to insert himself into everything -- be in the know, as he’d say -- siddles up beside him.

 

“They think they’re so subtle,” he says to Seungyoon and it draws a genuine chuckle from him.

 

“Yeah,” he agrees.  “They’re kind of obvious.”

 

“If by ‘kind of’ you mean as obvious as the earth is round then yes.”

 

Park Kyung looks away to where Seungyoon’s attention had been before, watching Mino and Jiho knowingly.

 

“Don’t let your jealousy feed into your insecurity,” Park Kyung says to him kindly but hits him exactly where he’s bruised, ugly green and mucus yellow and purpling.  “I’ve seen other people come and go but those two are the constants for each other. It’s part of who they are and that won’t change. It also doesn’t change how Mino feels for you.  He doesn’t love you any less than Jiho or any differently. You’re not the first person Mino has loved beyond Jiho and maybe you’re not the last. But you can be. You can accept them or you can’t.  It’s your decision.”

 

He pats Seungyoon on the back and gives him an encouraging smile.  “I’m rooting for you.”

 

\----

 

 _There goes another one,_ he thinks as he watches Bobby hang onto Mino’s every word with adoring eyes.  Mino takes a step back, holds up his camera, and Bobby poses for a shot, grinning afterwards as Mino shows him in the viewfinder.  Probably complimenting him because well, even he can admit that Bobby looks good tonight. At least it’s a little cute. Bobby has spent the entire night looking like a puppy waiting for his owner to scratch his ear.  Poor guy. He comes off too young. Mino is never going to see him as anything other than a kid. Not that he would otherwise. Seungyoon… well, Seungyoon’s the last.

 

He needs a breather.  It’s his birthday, and it’s his party, and he’s rented out a whole mansion beach included and everyone who’s connected to him in some way or another is here.  So, it’s his party and he can take a break from it if he wants too.

 

He breaks away silently, hands in his pocket, and heads towards the ocean, plops down on the sand and watches the waves crash ashore with piss poor lighting from the house and the moon.

 

Mino follows because of course he does and he plops down next to Jiho.  It’s okay. He needs a breather once in a while from most everything, but hardly ever from Mino.  He doesn’t say anything, just waits for Jiho, and in time Mino’s presence calms his frayed nerves.

 

“What’s up?” he asks finally.

 

Mino shrugs but it doesn’t come off as nonchalant as he wants it.  His shoulders are tense like he’s gearing up for rejection. How Mino doesn’t know he’d give Mino anything he can’t figure out.

 

“You know that song?  When we did Show Me the Money?” he asks tentatively.

 

“The one you said was too good for you?  That you weren’t ready for it?”

 

Mino nods.  His arms loop loosely around his shins, his thumbs twiddling as distraction.  He looks into the sand, won’t look at Jiho. “I think I’m ready.”

 

“Okay,” he says, offering it freely.  Thinks on it a moment, and adds on, “I can probably get Taeyang to feature.”

 

Mino shoots up, eyes wide in awe, in disbelief.  “Really?”

 

“Yeah.  He’s who I wanted on the song when I composed it.”

 

“Ah, hyung!” he exclaims, anguish evident, head hung low, the ball of his palms pressed into his eyes.  “Why’d you have to tell me that?!”

 

Jiho can’t help laughing at him.  “What? Why are you acting like this?  Don’t you want to work with Taeyang?”

 

“I was gonna do the song with Seungyoon!”

 

“Oh.  Seungyoon would be good too.”  The _Taeyang would be better left unspoken_ but heard clear all the same in Jiho’s tone.

 

 _Not better,_ Mino wants to say.   _Just different._  He’s torn for a moment, thinks about swaying, an internal struggle warring because he might regret not working with Taeyang, but finally settles back onto Seungyoon.

 

“It has to be Seungyoon,” he says firmly.  “It’s our story. Me and Seungyoon.” Quieter, “And me and you.  Here.” He digs into his pocket and hands over the lyrics, jotted down on a crumpled piece of sketchbook paper, parts of which had been written after the release ot XX and shooting to fame, the rest after _Really Really_ this past spring, flying higher than before and thinking he might suffocate.  

 

He wasn’t brave enough to put it in their _Everyday_ album then, to show the world how vulnerable he was.  It’s different now. He can tell his story because he doesn’t have to do anything alone anymore.  He has Seungyoon, and Jinwoo, and Seunghoon, and earlier, when he’d been eating a late breakfast with Seungyoon and Thor and Jhonny he realized _I’m not afraid anymore._

 

Jiho looks it over, gets to _even the hyung who saved me now_ and stops there, stays there.  His swallow is audible and he blinks a few time to chase the wet sheen away.  He clears his throat roughly and hands it back. Mino sticks it back into his jeans and Jiho pulls him in, ruffles his hair with one hand, sneaks in a kiss to his tempo.

 

“I didn’t save you,” Jiho says to him after he pulls back.  “You saved yourself. I just gave you tools. You did all the hard work.  Don’t short change yourself.”

 

Mino ruins the moment when he lets out a low chuckle.  “You and Seungyoon are so similar it scares me sometimes.  You’re both such saps.” A pause. “And you nag.”

 

“Aish.”  Jiho pushes him away with a quick shove.  “ _You_ and Seungyoon are exactly the same.  Pair of punks, you are.”

 

Mino shoots an insolent grin at Jiho and Jiho cuffs him around the neck with an arm, man-handles him until he cries uncle.  They go back to silence, enjoying the cool night air and the sound of waves side by side.

 

“It’s a really good song.  Why didn’t you ever release it?” Mino asks after some time passes.

 

Jiho tells him, “I wrote that song for you.”

 

\----

 

“You look like you wanted to kiss him,” Seungyoon says to him from behind as he approached, his toes curling into the sand as he watches Mino sit miserably, alone where Jiho had left him, hair still a rumpled mess from when Jiho had ruffled it.  He’d observed them from a distance, close enough to see but not close enough to hear, not with the sound of crashing waves at high tide. He had come out looking for Mino and found them together having a moment he didn’t want to stop or intrude on.  So he stayed back and watched them, waited until he thought it was okay.

 

“I did,” Mino admits guiltily, won’t look at him but won't lie either.  “I always do.”

 

Seungyoon settles in next to him, bumps his shoulder and keeps the contact, Mino warm against him even through his long sleeves.  “You should. Next time.”

 

Mino’s gaze shoots up, turns to him, wide-eyed and unbelieving at Seungyoon.  “You okay with that?” he asks, sharp, a hint of bewildered, a bit of hope he can’t hide sliding in.  “ _We’ll_ be okay?”

 

Seungyoon shifts, cool sand moving the accomodate his movements, but stays seated.  Instead he stretches his body across to close the distance between them. He kisses Mino deep, sanguine, so that Mino can’t misunderstand.  “Yeah,” he pants out, breath mixing with Mino’s own. “I might get jealous sometimes but we’re endgame so… yeah, we’ll be okay.”

 

It’s Mino’s move, ball in his court, and he closes distance between them again, his lithe fingers gliding up along Seungyoon’s shirt, sweeps gently across his sharp collarbone and finally choosing to rest warmly against the side of Seungyoon’s neck.  He’s giddy with happiness, breaking out into a fit of contained giggles against Seungyoon’s mouth, but he doesn’t break away, and he doesn’t back off. It’s infectious, and Seungyoon feels his own bubble up, spill over.

 

They’re a bit ridiculous, sure, but then Mino takes a deep breath, he follows, and when he opens his mouth just enough for his tongue to peek through, licking between Seungyoon’s mouth Seungyoon opens without thought, yielding, welcoming Mino in.  The rational part of him knows he’s being careless. The primitive side of him doesn’t care, climbs astride Mino with all other thoughts pushed aside. Mino retreats, forces Seungyoon to chase him. He licks into Mino’s mouth, sensual, no rush, as Mino slowly undoes his oversized shirt one button at a time.

 

“We shouldn’t,” he mouths against Mino already grinding down.  “Not here.”

 

“Probably not,” Mino mouths back, but they don’t stop either.

 

“Okay,” he breathes out trying to calm himself, trying to stop.  “Okay.”

 

The button on his jeans pop open and any resolve he’d built disappears.  His zipper slides down and Mino reaches into his underwear, takes him out, grip firm.  He can’t help it. He groans, rocks into Mino’s fist.

 

“Fuck.   _Fuck.”_

 

He’s so strung he can’t even kiss Mino properly anymore.  It’s turned into nothing more than mouths mashed together, unmoving, breathing heavily through their noses while he slides in and out of Mino’s grip to the rhythm of the ocean waves, the low burn between them singeing its way through to the surface.  Muffled quietly he comes into Mino’s hand, a mess spilling over onto Mino’s black shirt. Seungyoon collapses into him, hooking his chin over a shoulder.

 

“You make me stupid,” he mumbles against Mino’s ear, won’t say _I do things for you l would never do for anyone else._

 

A rumble of a laugh answers him.  “You were already kind of dumb.”

 

He bites Mino’s shoulder in revenge, relishing in the yelp Mino squawks out.  He coils his arms around Seungyoon's waist and pulls him closer, kisses his temple.

 

“Love you,” he says, right into the shell of Seungyoon’s ear.

 

\----

 

The look of surprise when Mino walks into their shared apartment will never not bring a smile to his face.  He wishes he could photograph it and share it with their fans.

 

“What’s going on?   _How?”_

 

“Jiho-hyung _says_ they were cluttering up his apartment so he gave them back.”

 

Mino nods in understanding.  “He’s trying to be cool again.”

 

Seungyoon agrees.  “I was gonna ask for them back anyway but he beat me to the punch.”

 

Mino’s expression changes over to confusion.  “But why are you sitting in the middle of our living room with your guitar.”

 

“I was practicing,” he explains with a grin on his face.  “I heard a song that made me think of you.”

 

“Okay,” he says.  “I’m ready. Let’s hear it.”

 

Seungyoon starts first, no accompanying music, the guitar kicking in a beat behind  “Could have been one lonely night just like the others but you lit up my life,” Seungyoon sings to him a confession. “This is what it’s like to be lovers.  You and me need never be lonely again. Spin with me endlessly or at least until the end. Please never fall in love again.”

 

He understands enough to know it’s cheeky, tinged with a hint of humor.  But it’s also sincere, a hopeful request, and he falls for Seungyoon’s charms all over again.  It’s those damn eyes. He approaches closer and closer until he can’t anymore. He looks down fondly at Seungyoon and Seungyoon looks up at him with his heart on his sleeve, singing sweetly.  When he finishes, Mino pushes Seungyoon’s bangs back so he can look into Seungyoon’s eyes properly.

 

He bends down, presses his mouth against Seungyoon’s forehead lovingly.  When he pulls back--

 

“Okay.”

 

\----

 

**Q: The members who have worked with Jiho in the past are gaining popularity one by one. Song Minho is active as a member of WINNER. How do you feel when looking at his career?**

Zico: I always knew Mino would do great. I would always tell Mino, “You are going to succeed no matter what. Just hold on for a little while longer.” I’m very happy that Mino came to wear the clothes that fit him. I hope that Mino will take care of me now (laughs). But Mino keeps trying to depend on me just because I am older. A few years ago, Mino was sullen because I adored Bobby. Mino was the one who received all the love during the trainee days of Block B. Mino was always my number one dongsaeng.

\----

 

**Q. Seungyoon-sshi, recently you formed the group WINNER.  Do you consider yourselves an idol group?**

 

We might have started late and our average age is older than your typical idol group but yes, all of us consider Winner to be an idol group.  The term “idol group” still has a negative connotation but none of us think that at all so we want to help change this.

 

**Q: You’re the youngest but you’re also the leader.  Is there a reason why you became the leader? Is it hard being the youngest but also the leader?**

 

There is no particular reason why I became the leader.  I think I became the de facto leader because I was the common denominator between Mino, Jinwoo-hyung and Seunghoon-hyung.  I also have the most experience so I think it just fell that way. Even though I’m the youngest they are very open and listen to my opinions well, so they make it easy.  The hardest part of being leader is just doing all the mundane tasks.

 

**Q. Some fans were disappointed with the direction of your last album and you deciding to do mainstream music with Winner.  Are there any plans in the near future for soloist Kang Seungyoon and/or going back to your more rock-ish roots?**

 

Currently I have no plans in the near future to release a solo.  Maybe a few years from now. Right now I want to be known as Winner’s vocalist Kang Seungyoon.  My members and I are focused on making good music that will make our fans and anyone who listens to our songs happy.  Our main goal is to make music that heals. For us, it doesn’t matter what genre it is. If we like it and we think it’s good we will release it.  So I can’t say yes, we will or no, we won’t.

 

**Q:  Kim Jinwoo-sshi is going to the army next year, is he not?**

 

Yes.  Seunghoon-hyung and Mino have already done their service so there is only Jinwoo-hyung and me left.  So before Jinwoo-hyung goes we want to promote as the four of us as much as possible. Our next single _Millions_ is coming out December 19th so please remember us then.  Even though it’s only one song we wanted one more comeback before Jinwoo-hyung has to enlist.

 

**Q:  Will you promote while Jinwoo-sshi is in the army?**

Of course!  I’m sure we’ll do sub-units and both Mino and Seunghoon-hyung plan on releasing solos.  While they do that I will work hard and write songs for Jinwoo-hyung so he has songs for when he comes back to do his own solo.

 

**Q: Where do you see yourself five years from now?**

 

With Winner.  I think even after forty years I will still want to be with Winner.

 

**Q: You care about Winner and your members a lot.  Why is that?**

Because I was lonely?  I was the only son and I lived with my mother and then I debuted as a solo artist so I spent most of my time alone.  I was always alone. So, anyway, having someone fully on my side... colleague, friend… a new family, _brothers._  Now I have them.  Something that is mine.  So I have strong feelings for them.  I don’t want to lose them.

 

**Q:  These days what gives you the most happiness?**

 

I am at my happiest when I am Winner’s Kang Seungyoon.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Quote from Cloud Atlas, written by David Mitchell  
> 2\. Please watch [here](https://youtu.be/uStX3anT8fg) for reference if you don't know/would like context.
> 
> I started planning/writing this fic about two months ago with the, "What if Seungyoon actually decided to debut instead of train at YG? And what if Mino actually gave up and didn't audition after Bom?" and it grew into a monster from there. It's been a long time since I wrote a linear fic and trust me, it will be a long while before I attempt another one. But it was fun, you know, in the crying over my laptop asking myself why I'm doing this kind of way.
> 
> As I was writing the fic I kept joking with a friend that this is my love letter to Winner, and more importantly, to Seungyoon, but honestly I don't think it's too far off the truth.\
> 
> Also, I hate writing OCs. During the whole fic I kept going, "Why?! Why don't you even have dating rumors Seungyoon?!" because if he had it would have made it a lot easier LOL.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Comments and Kudos are, as always, very much appreciated.


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